MarrygoldBlog

The Marrygold 2011 Story

2011-12-22T19:54:00.000-08:00

So how was your 2011? Relationship-wise of course. Happy? Lots of fight? Better understanding? Bitter? Well, my own blog journey has had a bit of everything along with a fair dose of advice, sharing of experiences and opinions!

It all began with resolutions for your marriage, where I shared with you readers that marriage is also about hard work. Yes, it’s not a rose-petal littered path. Both partners have to work towards it. So like any resolutions, I urged couples to sit down and make their marriage resolutions for the year.

Then when I was toying with the idea for my next blog, I remembered someone telling me, “You’re taking your job too seriously”. And I wondered if people took their marriages seriously too. This also struck me as quite odd, because many of my clients comment ‘should have a sense of humor’ in their partner wish-list! So I wondered aloud about LOL in marriage.

Then in February, how could I resist not writing on the occasion that brings it all about! Valentine’s Day of course! Whether we curse it or go all mushy about it, can’t deny that it’s very much part of our lives! And when March comes, well who can forget the dreaded finances, with budget and taxes thrown in! So I guided my readers on how to bring financial success in marriage. This also got me thinking about the financial benefits of getting hitched. Well, for the records, it’s beneficial!

Every once in a while, and yes, even in an interesting job like this, I must confess I run out of ideas or simply throw my hands up with “I need a break”! Well, that’s when a guest blog comes in handy ;-). And that’s how The Awakening came about.

Then came all the frenzy of one of the most awaited events of 2011. The royal wedding! Being in the relationship business, I simply had to make the most of this anticipated event! And I followed eagerly the trials and tribulations of this fairytale wedding. And like the millions of fans I sent my best wishes to Prince Williams and Kate Middleton so they live happily ever after!

Later, quite tired of writing and doling out advise, I experimented with a short story about the myths surrounding soul mates.

The hangover of the royal wedding still clinging stubbornly and totally in love with Pippa Middleton’s dress, I decided to talk about how important dressing is to charm a potential date! Really! Just as people dress for job interviews or on special occasions, dressing and grooming for a date is a must! Basic as it may be, you’ll be surprised to know that many people do not pay much attention to their get up!

Then one day, as I sat in front of my PC, engrossed in work, my dear husband stood behind my chair and gently massaged my shoulders. Only then did I realize how tired I was and how sorely I needed a massage. It’s these little acts of love that go a long way in making a relationship worthwhile. Like the yin and yang, relationships have their bad days too, so in how to fight right I stressed on how important it is to fight right and make the best of tiffs!

It also got me thinking about how my parents managed their relationships the good moments and the tough ones. Did they do things for each other, how did they cope with fights and bouts of anger. How was it in their times vis-à-vis a more independent and demanding new age relations of today and what does it truly take to meet marriage needs.

So this is Marrygold’s blog story! Now it’s your turn to share with us your relationship stories of the year!

And here’s wishing you all a joyous and peaceful 2012 filled with love of course!!

Meeting Marriage Needs

2011-11-10T19:48:00.000-08:00

Marriage is not easy. I don’t want to put a dent on the hopes of those
trying to get hitched, but it’s better to be honest than to feel
cheated later on. But that doesn’t mean it cannot be beautiful and
harmonious. It certainly can be and there are ways to make it happen.
It’s not a smooth ride and it requires work, but it’s possible.

People marry for various reasons and over time the priorities change
too. A guy once told his friends, “I don’t need to get married,
because I know how to cook!” You might laugh at this, but if you dig
deeper you’ll find some truth in it. If you explore it further, for
him marriage means meeting basic domestic needs. And for you it might
mean some other need.

So let’s list out some needs of marriage: love, companionship,
spiritual partnership, domestic support, financial support, need to
have a family, affection and the need to feel belonged, among others.

The first thing you must do as a partner is identify your primary
needs. You must also remember that these needs will change over time,
as you change, or as circumstances change. Next, find out what your
partner’s needs are. Once you are clear about these needs, discuss
them openly and find out how you can meet and complement each other’s
needs.

Identifying your needs is not easy either, and it needs some hard work
too. Most important is self-awareness and this comes with
self-observation, patience, and complete honesty with oneself. Once
you’ve both identified your basic needs you can work together through
open and frank communication, empathy and above all a commitment to
make it work.

They say the fruits of labour are sweet. And it’s not different in marriage.

Share your comments and views with us...

How to fight right

2011-09-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

Relationships are fraught with misunderstandings, bickering,
arguments, big fights and mega fights. It’s not something we can
escape, because after all we are different people with different
opinions. Fights can range from the color of the bedroom wall, to not
giving enough freedom to your spouse, to who should pick up the kids
or do the dishes or about not having enough sex. There is no dearth of
conflicts!

The good news is that fights can be productive for relationships. Yes,
you read that right! In fact research shows that couples who fight
often have a more lasting and fruitful relationship compared to those
who don’t! (Ok, that doesn’t mean you’re going to pick up a fight with
your spouse once a month.) And here’s the twist, it’s how you fight
that matters.

It’s unfortunate that in fights there is more of “I’m right you’re
wrong”, instead of “let’s right the wrongs”. The cardinal mistake
couples make while fighting is to “win”, unfortunately there is no
prize for the winner, except pride…and in the long run it’s a loss,
especially if you have deal with resentment from your spouse.

So, here are some rules to help you fight right:

• Be calm, express your opinion in a calm way. Talk without “fighting”.
• Acknowledge and address the conflict as soon as possible. Don’t
allow it to go into days or fester for long.
• Give each other a fair hearing. Toss a coin and decide who goes
first. Let the person finish telling his / her side of the story
completely. Make sure that both of you clearly understand what the
person is saying. And then express your side of the story.
• If you need a break to clear the air, say so. But give a date and
time to resume the discussion, and honour it. But again, time is
crucial, don’t let it go on for more than a few days.
• Fight maturely. Never shout, blame, insult, call names, physically
injure, stomp out, or bang things. It doesn’t help in anyway. In fact,
it does more harm.
• Never rake up past fights or things that are not central to the
fight, like “No wonder, your son has turned out like you! Or all this
anger comes from your father.”
• Be less competitive and more cooperative. Learn to accept that there
are opinions that are different from yours.
• Fight with your spouse and not against him / her. Remember you’re
both on the same side.

I would like to sign off with ‘happy fighting’ ;-) instead, I’ll say
‘happy resolution’!
And don’t forget to share your conflict resolutions tactics with us!

New Age Relations

2011-08-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

“Fiercely independent”. These two words can be quite disastrous on a
woman’s dating profile. Similarly, “A little laidback and easy-going”
on a guy’s profile can be quite a turn-off. But the truth of the
matter is that both sexes are going through transitions. Women are
asserting themselves, mind you, not as a challenge to the opposite
sex, but rather as an evolutionary re-balancing. And men are not
always pressurized to bring their macho and ‘protector’ self to the
front to woo their counterpart.

As these changes take effect, it is getting increasingly difficult to
find the ‘right’ partner. Successful women often find themselves alone
at the top as no man wants to be seen as their ‘man servant’ , and men
who are un-ambitious fail to attract women, because at some level,
women still need someone ‘to look after them’. Divorce rates are
increasing around us and men and women continue to look for ‘the one’
well into their 30s.

So what should you do to find your partner, in the new scheme of things?

What both the sexes need is to adjust and realign to the new
relationship paradigm. Women don’t need men to ‘protect’ them or
provide for them financially. But emotionally, that’s a different
story. In that respect women still need their man to ‘protect’ them
and take care of them. As for men, they might be slowly shedding their
macho self, but women need to make sure that they stoke fire of the
male ego once in a while to keep the balance going.
Men should find the right balance: appreciate their partner as they
assert their independence, but be by their side when they need
support. As for women, they should be truly ‘ok’ and even supportive
if their partner isn’t ‘too manly’ in the traditional sense and
maintain the relationship by doing things that help keep the balance.

In the new scheme of things, men and women should each be aware of the
changes taking place, empathize with the opposite sex and play their
part so as to build a relationship based on true understanding, care,
trust and love.

Share your comments

Little Acts of Love

2011-07-07T00:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the monotony of life can suck you deep into its vortex of
routine. And before you know it, it replaces passionate moments with
quick cursory hugs, or a fleeting peck on the cheek or lips or a
slight pat on the backside. And that’s it. Your spouse has turned into
a roommate. And it gets worse when neither of you begins to notice the
change or worse still, mind it. But unfortunately, this might just be
the beginning of the end of healthy relationships. So, if you’ve
sensed it creep in ever so slowly in your lives, it’s time you take
some corrective actions.

Here are some tips.
If you are the couple who likes to hug before you leave for work or
meet at the end of the day, here’s what you need to do. The next time
you hug, surprise your spouse by giving him (or her) a tighter squeeze
during the hug. Or when you know the regular hug time is up, just hold
in there for a wee bit longer. Or start swaying ever so lightly and
run your hand behind his (or her) back sensuously. And when it is time
to part, cup your spouse’s side of the cheek in your palm and give a
warm smile.

If you are the couple whose passionate lip locks have been reduced to
quick pecks here’s what you can try the next time your spouse leans in
for the peck. In one sweep of the arms lock your spouse into an
embrace. And surprise him (or her) by parting your lips ever so
lightly. This might take your spouse by surprise, a pleasant one of
course. And it’ll turn your rather fleeting and shallow peck into a
passionate and deep kiss.
If the rot to the routine has crept further down and reduced your
physical contact to light taps on the shoulder, back or derriere,
here’s what you do.

The next time your hand moves up for a tap on the shoulder or back,
let your hand linger a little longer; you’ll see how this
automatically turns into a hug. If it’s a pat on the derriere, you
could try a risqué squeeze, to the mild surprise of your spouse.

As lovers you might have locked fingers and arms while walking on the
road, but as couples for several years you might find it embarrassing
to do such a thing. Get back a little of the romance by surprising
your spouse. The next time you’re walking together, lace your fingers
sensuously or lean on his arm!

Physical relationship is not about sex alone, small acts that show you
love and care play an important role in relationships. So go ahead and
show how much you love your spouse!

Share with us how you got some love sparks back into your life.

Dress to charm

2011-06-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

They say clothes maketh the man and it couldn’t be truer when you are
going to meet your potential life partner for the first time. You
might think, “But these are common sense stuff, you can’t possibly go
wrong with it”, but believe me, and I’m talking through experience,
clients have come back with “I found her dressing too loud, I’m not
sure I want to be with a person like that” or “He dresses quite
sloppily, so I’m not sure...” A lot of people on the other hand want
to say: “This is me. Take it or leave it.” Unfortunately with such an
attitude you might end up living with a body pillow or just your
mirror for companion.

Face it. Physical attraction does matter and what you wear speaks
volumes about your personality, or the vibes that you are giving out
to the person sitting opposite. Besides dressing well and sharp
indicates respect, good social skills and helps you stay sharp and
focused.

First impressions are the last, so make sure your first impression is
the best by dressing right. Here are some tips.

Dressing for the occasion

Wear clothes for the occasion. If you are meeting your date in a
swanky and classy place, don’t wear t-shirts or capris. Go formal. If
you are meeting at a coffee place, make sure you don’t turn up in a
tie or a heavy kancheevram sari. Do your homework of the place and
wear clothes that match the venue. Also keep the weather in mind,
shivering in a slinky sleeveless dress in winter or sweating in a suit
in summer might indicate that you don’t judge too well.

Don’t forget the right footwear. Wear footwear that matches your
clothes, not floaters with formals or kohlapuris with a western skirt.
Also make sure you’re comfortable in your footwear, you never know if
an occasion to take a small stroll in the neighborhood park presents
itself!

A well-coordinated outfit right from hair-do, make-up, clothes,
accessories and shoes indicates that you pay attention to details and
that you take everything into account.

Dress according to your body

A potential partner might not necessarily dismiss you if you are fat or
too thin, but there is a good chance he / she might be offended if he
sees flesh pouring out of your clothes or worse still a butt crack.
Wear clothes that suit your body type.

Dress in comfortable clothing

It doesn’t help if you keep adjusting your clothes or fidgeting in
a tight pair of new squeaky shoes. If you are uncomfortable in your
dress, you will not be able to focus on the conversation. So make sure
you are comfortable in your dress, so you can focus on enjoying the
date.

Grooming
Make sure you make a visit to the parlour or the barber before your
date. Shape your eyebrows, shave clean or trim your moustache or beard
or have a haircut. Hair coming out ears or peeping from your nostrils
can be such a put off. So make sure you’ve taken care of these small
but important details.

Be careful with your make-up. Loud make-up can be a real turn off as
can be smelly underarms. Make sure your make up enhances your
personality rather than being a painted face and put the right amount
of perfume. Just because it’s your first date doesn’t mean you’ll
empty your deo or perfume bottle, (ads notwithstanding). A strong
perfume trailing your every move can be quite nauseating.

Before stepping out, check in the mirror or ask a friend how you look.

Right dressing is only the first step, follow this with good listening
skills, appropriate manners and social graces, engaging conversation
and a dash of humor.

Feel free to share more dressing tips and experiences with us.

…and they lived happily ever after

2011-04-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

As the fairytale royal wedding gets underway after 30 years, millions are expected to watch Prince Williams and Kate Middleton exchange wows. And among them will be thousands of women wishing it was their turn to walk down the aisle and exchange wows with their prince charming.

Pause here and take a hard look. Prince Williams is marrying a commoner. And I’m sure – love apart – there must be other practical reasons for marrying each other too. Maybe for her security (and that too royal ;-)), and maybe for him someone who doesn’t come with all the royal trappings. It just goes to show that in life, unlike fairytales, things don’t come with neat pink bows all gift-wrapped.

People marry for all sorts of reasons, even as practical as “I think she will be great at juggling both career and home” and “I like the way he plays with children, he’ll make a caring father”.

Unfortunately, (and this trend is more in women than in men) women continue to wait for the perfect guy to come along and sweep them off their feet, only to realise that there is no prince charming -- handsome, with all the qualities, graces and sophistication of a true-blue prince, and the money to go with it. It’s a myth and just in fairytales.

If you continue to look at life with rose-tinted glasses, you’ll be in for some rude shocks. There are no true-blue princes or princesses for that matter. So maybe you should stop waiting for the ‘perfect guy’ and settle for the ‘good enough’ guy and make it work together.

Many women reject a man because he’s balding, he’s too short or he has an accent, but hey, he might be the next best thing to price charming, if you give him a chance! Many men might reject a girl because she’s too bold or too homely, but hey, if you give her a chance, you’ll see how perfectly she understands you.

In this world of instant-fundas, both genders want the perfect partner instantly. And it might work if you at least give that person a chance, even if he or she doesn’t score perfect tens in your criteria list! Also, couples are too quick to conclude that there was ‘no connection’ in their first meeting – an idea fed by mushy, romantic movies, again. But most of the times, you need to even ‘give time’ for that connection to happen. It’s not instant.

So my advice is, you can meet the person who is – not the perfect guy – but perfect for you, if you are willing to: a) give a person a decent chance, get to know him / her beyond looks or habits and b) go for a ‘good enough’ partner instead of waiting for eternity (or 100 years as in Sleeping Beauty) for prince charming to come on a white horse. You can give yourself a chance to live happily ever after, with patience, understanding and some empathy.

…And here’s hoping Prince William and Kate Middleton work towards living happily ever after!

Soul Mates - a Short Story

2011-04-19T22:39:00.003-07:00

She locked herself in her room and refused to let me in. I knew she was going through some boy troubles and I decided not to make it more difficult by prodding her. Although, as any concerned mother, I wanted to help my daughter, wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything would be alright. But she wouldn’t let me in. So I let her be.

Then one night, a few days after the incident, and when the puffiness of her eyes were reduced, we sat on the balcony enjoying the cool evening breeze. She turned to me and asked, “How did you know Papa was the one for you?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I just knew. If you ask me how, I can’t say. It was something that we both just knew.”

I let the silence play its part in our conversation.

“When did you and Papa meet?” she asked me.

“I was 12 and he was 14. And we just knew it. Am not saying it was a smooth ride, we used to fight, many times really seriously, but we just stuck on.”

“Do you believe in soul mates?” she asked.

“I’m not sure,” I said taking her hands in mine. “It’s not like you lock eyes or your lips meet for the first time and your soul mate will be magically yours. We don’t live in a fairytale world, sweetie. It certainly didn’t happen like that for us. But then again, somewhere we both knew there was something special. Of that we were sure.

Your soul mate, if there is such a thing, will love you for who you are. Not for the way you looked at the party or the way you did you hair or your laugh. But he will love you even when he meets you with your hair undone or learns that you actually snort when you laugh. Love you for who you truly are. And this doesn’t happen at first sight. How could it, since he barely knows you. This happens over time.

Also, maybe more than love or lovers, at some level, we were great friends, and we were at the same stage of life. I think that’s important. Sometimes when a person is more mature than the other or wants a more lover relationship than a friend, it might not work. A kind of balance is required. A balance that suits you both.”

“What about true love? Is there such a thing?”

I shook my head. “More than true love, there are many stages in a relationship. And each one is a form of love.”

“But what is it that keeps you going?” she asked.

I paused. I wasn’t sure, but I tried to explain to a girl who had all these romantic notions of love. These notions that could so easily be shattered.

“Maybe, at the bottom of it, there is respect for all these forms of love, from both of us. We know that there is something special, we respect it and will do all it takes to keep it.” I tried.

She sighed and smiled.

Love and relationships. These are complicated things. Things that everybody wants and wants magically and instantly. Things that are so elusive. But of this I am sure - soul mates just know it. They can’t explain it, but they know it deep down, and they know it together. But that is still not enough. You have to respect it. You have to work at it.

The Financial Benefits of Getting Hitched

2011-03-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

No, this is not a desperate attempt to get people hitched, although it is the raison d’être of Marrygold (getting peopled hitched, that is), but it’s my practical side of the brain talking.

My previous post discussed tips to bring financial success in your marriage (Financial Success in Your Marriage). In this post I want to talk about something downright sensible: Marriage makes good financial sense. I am talking about practical financial benefits and not the deeper ones of love, emotional stability, etc.

From a monetary standpoint, women get married (or should I say used to, in case I offend some bra-burners) for financial support. Like a gentleman so rightly pointed out to his son-in-law during a wedding rehearsal, “And now I take my daughter’s hand from my pocket and put it into yours!” He couldn’t be more right. Money continues to feature high in women’s wish-list of their ideal man, but extending the same premise, why should a man marry? Unless it’s billionaire’s daughter, that is. I guess because it makes more practical sense, financially.

And more so in these times. Look around you and you’ll see more and more --- couples who both bring home the bacon and keep the fire going. It’s no more a man’s prerogative, at least in booming urban areas. Marriages have considerable financial benefits for both men and women. And here’s why:

Firstly, there is more flowing into your collective coffers.
Your rent is halved, there’s suddenly more you can spend on utilities, grocery and fancy dinners.
On the practical side, you could go in for superior insurance or choose to make higher investments.
You might find it easier to get your dream home or car because banks are more likely to give you a loan now that you are more financially stable.
You have a level-head who curbs your sudden shopping urges.
You can begin to attach real wings to your dreams of traveling or finally have the means to invest in your expensive hobbies.
In times of recession, you don’t need to fear as much the financial repercussions of losing a job. Your partner’s there to support you until you find another one.

Most important of all, a stable home, both financially and emotionally is the basis for most of our success in our personal and professional lives. And a stable home starts with financial stability. Don’t you think so? Share your thoughts!

Financial Success in your Marriage

2011-03-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

While the recent budget didn’t have anything to talk home about, and didn’t bring much cheer to the aam admi, the budget you create with your spouse can definitely bring a smile. Well, maybe not now, but definitely in the long run. In a previous post, (Budget In a Marriage) I talked about how important it is to include a budget in your marriage. If you’ve not got anything done as yet, here’s hoping this will spur you on. I cannot stress enough on how important it is to make a budget. A budget helps you balance what comes in vs. what goes out. So, you know exactly where you money actually goes instead of wondering where it all went!

A couple of months or maybe a year or two after your marriage, you might find yourself getting along quite fine. And this might make you wonder why you need a budget at all. But what about the house you’ve always wanted to live in? The luxury car you’ve wanted to drive to work in. The fancy holiday that you’ve always dreamt of? Or overseas education for your children?

Hard work apart, to achieve these dreams, you need some solid plans. Similar to any goal you want to achieve, a budget requires planning and discipline. Admit, it’s not that fun or even that easy. But important it is. If you think it’s too daunting to do it by yourselves, get help from financial advisors. And here are some tips.

Make a budget, take inventory

Grab a pen, or open an excel sheet and jot down your income vs. your expenses. It might take a few months to get your average outgo. Start by making a note of all the expenses you incur in the month. Also, make an inventory of all your current loans – housing, car, bike, education, etc., your investments, credit card bills and insurance policies, an estimated value of your assets as well as your monthly income and expenses. Once you have a tally of your assets and your liabilities, you can calculate your net worth. There are some online applications that can help you do this, or turn to your financial advisor to help you. The aim is to check your net worth over the years. And, with sound planning, you’ll see it increase!

Create an emergency fund

While planning for our financial success, it’s extremely important not to overlook an emergency situation – an accident, some debt that you suddenly have to clear or maybe periods of unemployment. We always feel that life will go on just the way it is, but one never actually knows. Though many of us have several insurance policies, it’s always a good idea to have a ready cash fund to dip into, in case of an emergency and without resorting to borrowing from friends or mounting a debt. How much is enough will vary depending on your expenses or the nature of the emergency, but a general thumb-rule is to have approximately 4-6 months worth of expenses in an emergency fund. And make sure that you use these funds for a real emergency and not feel tempted to dip into it for other expenses.

Prepare for college expenses & retirement

Once the kids come along, you’ll have to start preparing for their education expenses. The recent ad of Bunty’s father getting a heart-attack on hearing his son’s school fees shoot from Rs 2,000 to Rs 10 lakhs is no exaggeration! Talk to other parents, financial advisors and do some online research on several financial plans for your child’s education, and start putting away money for it.

You’re not going to be working all your life, nor would you want to live off your children
a la ‘sar uthake jiyo’ ads. Talk to your spouse about your sunset years and start saving for it. I’ve known colleagues who have started saving for their retirement from their first pay packet! Now, that’s what I call being farsighted!

The above are only some pointers towards financial success in your marriage. The most important thing is to get started. And do share some personal budget stories and tips with us!

The Awakening

2011-03-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

Editor’s Note: The author of this is unknown. But it is a great read. Enjoy.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it …

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice in your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying! You are tired of struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh, and what you should wear, and where you should shop, and what you should drive, how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are, what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive.

And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man (or woman) on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love … and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms … just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely … and you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you ”stack up”.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings or entitlement are perfectly OK … and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want … and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his/her touch … and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. You learn that your body really is your temple. And, you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise.

You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve … and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time, FEAR ITSELF.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometime bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.

It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

2011-02-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure what you really think about Valentine’s Day. Some people fret for several weeks in advance and fuss about the perfect gift, or how they would surprise their loved one or think about the best way to spend that special day. And there are those in the other camp who would ask you, “Valentine what?” But for someone’s who’s been in the business of getting two people together, it sure is a special day. Not because of all the frenzy around it, but because it presents itself as a day to commemorate your love for each other.

Couples who have been married for several years will vouch for time having a sandpaper effect on love…wearing it away with time. And for such people, a day like this becomes an occasion to renew their vows of love. And for those still pink-fresh with love, a gentle reminder -- things do not always stay hunky-dory. No, I am not throwing a dampener on your rosy life, but just hinting at the reality. And if and when you find yourselves in the throes of the sandpaper effect, just come back to read this post.

Here are 5 wonderful ways to cherish your relationship this Valentine’s Day.

Talk & listen. In our busy schedules, we generally tend to forget the basic tenet of a relationship. Open communication. So, starting this Valentine’s Day, make it a point to carve out 30 minutes from your day, to talk. It could be in the early morning, before the world wakes up, or a quick lunch-time talk, or maybe when the world has retired to bed. But mark it in your calendar. And yes, talk and listen.

That special feeling. Once in a couple of weeks, surprise your partner by making her / him feel special. Take her out to a play or a concert. Cook him his favourite dish. Buy her flowers. Buy him tickets to his favourite holiday destination. Get that special feeling back in your lives. There’s time, you could still come up with something for this Valentine’s Day!

Down memory lane. If the sandpaper has already worn your love-life thin, maybe this Valentine’s Day, over a quiet dinner under some candle lights, you could take out the sepia-tinted album and relive your ‘love days’. When your heart used to skip a beat seeing him across a crowded room. When you would wait in anticipation after class. Or the first time you held hands nervously. Getting back fond memories could kindle new ones. You never know! So get to the attic and bring down those memories!

Doing it together. Ok, being married doesn’t mean you’ve to do everything together. But some times it does. It’s great to bond over a common interest. Pottery maybe? Or dance? Or visiting places? Or reading books? Find a common interest and decide to pursue it together diligently. You will cherish the time spent together. Start a joint hobby this Valentine’s Day!

Say I love you. That’s what Valentine’s Day is for, stupid. Then, do it. And don’t stop saying it once the day is over. Make it a point to say these special words to your spouse every day.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! We would love to hear from you about how you spent your Valentine’s Day. So, stop by this page and tell us your V Day experience!

Resolutions for your Marriage, 2011

2011-01-30T07:52:00.000-08:00

‘What’s the point of a marriage if you have to ‘work at it’? You get together because you love each other and then you just go on.’ Right? Wrong.

When you see life with rose-tinted glasses, you would probably believe in the above, but married a few years, you realize that things are not as rosy or simple and that ‘working at it’ is required. (Read: Stages of a Relationship). And many years down the line, you realize that it is indeed ‘hard work’.

But don’t get me wrong, it is not ‘hard’ hard work; the hard work can be fun too! It’s like working hard towards achieving something: climbing a hill to enjoy the beautiful view, working at a painting and sitting back and enjoying it when it’s on the wall or any of the activities where the journey – hard as it may seem sometimes, is as beautiful as the end.

It’s the same kind of hard work in a marriage. Here’s an idea, why don’t you start by making your New Year resolutions as a couple! Sit down together, brain storm about your marriage goals for the year, write it down and revisit the list throughout the year to stay on course!

Here are some tips:

1. What do you want in your marriage this year?

You probably would have discussed about your ideas of marriage before getting married, but it’s always good to revisit these ideas. And now it’s time to be specific. What is it specifically that you would like to do this year to get closer to your idea of marriage? Go on dates more often? Have late night chats every week? Start a hobby together? Go on a dream vacation? Or perhaps start a family? Even if some ideas seem out of reach at the moment, don’t discount them; give them a fair hearing, put them out on the table, that’s what this brainstorming session is all about.

2. Be specific.

If a holiday is on that list for both of you this year, break it into smaller goals, maybe how much money you would have to save every month for it, or who is going to take charge of the bookings and other arrangements? Or schedule your work life keeping the dates in mind. Make sure your break down your resolutions into specific workable goals.

3. Re-visit your goals.

It’s easier said than done. It’s easy to get everything on paper, but not quite as easy when it comes to honoring it. To help you stick to your goals, take a printout of the list and stick it on the wall or the fridge – any common place. That way you get to see it every day and it’s somewhere in the periphery of your consciousness. You’ll find this method helps, especially when our days get increasingly crammed with hundreds of activities.

4. Hold each other accountable.

Make sure your resolution has someone assigned to each activity. That way, you know who is doing what and also who is slipping up. If you see your partner slacking, point it out to her and help her stay on course.

5. Enjoy the fruits.

At the heart of this list, remember the journey should be as enjoyable as the goal. Make sure the activities don’t become arduous, enjoy the journey. And if you feel that at some point it is becoming burdensome, talk to your partner about it.

And remember, honor your resolution!

'LOL’ in your Marriage

2011-01-16T20:43:00.000-08:00

‘My partner should have a sense of humor’ – how many times have you heard or read this line when friends or people list out what they are looking for in a partner? Many, if not most times is my guess. Maybe it’s something that you too have been secretly looking for, perhaps without expressing it consciously.

Ever wondered why?

Because deep down we are seekers of happiness…and laughter. And we tend to look for that kind of quality in our partners too. Even if we sometimes appear as a rather ‘serious’ person to others, the one quietly laughing at jokes rather than cracking them, we crave for that light moment, or someone to create it.

In my experience, marriages that have lightness and laughter are the ones that tend to last. The just-quarreled couple who can crack up when in anger a partner realizes that he is reading the newspaper upside down, or a partner who bangs her head at the door while storming out after a spat. Or laugh hard when the baby passes wind while you’re powdering her, despite the many sleepless nights. Or burst out loud when in the middle of a tender moment late at night, a nosy neighbor knocks at your door for a cup of sugar!

Many times we tend to get ‘serious’ after marriage and even more after kids, because of the so-called responsibilities that suddenly find their way into our lives. But deep down we are yet craving for our care-free selves and the many laughter-filled days. And that’s what we tend to look for in a partner, someone to lighten the sometimes tedious journey. You may be the one cracking the jokes or you may be the one who sits at the ringside and laughs, either way, both of you are looking for that one thing – humor.

Yes, marriage like most of life is filled with joyous times and difficult ones, but if couples can find that lighter moment in the darkest of times (and you’ll see you’ll find it easier, when you work at it as partners), then you are likely to find the source of strength that can carry you through. So next time you have a spat, bring in humor and see what a healthy change it can make!

Share you lighter and funny moments with us!

Long Marriages

2010-12-26T20:56:00.000-08:00

Long marriages

When a friend’s grandparents celebrated 50 years of their marriage, there was no big party or a fancy exchanging of vows. It was a simple affair. All the family members (the ones that really cared) came together and they had a lovely get together to commemorate the coming of two much loved souls. Two souls who were never perfect for each other, but stuck it out…during happy days and sad ones, angry days and sulky ones.

Grandfather was moody and prone to bursts of terrible rage, my friend being at the receiving end many times and grandmother was much ahead of her times in her thinking and even broke many protocols by working as a teacher, then as a principal of a school and even getting a PhD. Sadly she was never really ‘appreciated and understood’ for who she really was, because grandfather wanted someone to only cook and look after him and the children, like most men of his generation.

When my friend asked her grandmother, “Ajji 50 years, but how did you stick on? You being you?” She replied, “The secret lies in laughing. Nowadays I see so many young couples going to marriage counselors only few years into their marriage or even divorcing without giving the marriage some time. You should give each other time. And I think people take this marriage thing too seriously. Take it lightly. Even when your grandfather used to make fun of my ambitions, I accepted it lightly and told myself that it’s the way he is. It doesn’t mean that the marriage worked because I tried and changed my outlook, even your grandfather did his bit. He worked on his anger and chipped in to look after the kids, because his wife worked too -- something very few men of his generation did.”

And when my friend asked her grandfather about the long marriage, he gave a short laugh and replied in a few words, “I took a wow before god that I would look after her. And that’s what I’m doing.” Simple.

I’m closing in on six years of my marriage and time has slipped by like a dream. It’s a milestone worth celebrating. We’ve both changed in many ways to adjust to each other even as we continue to love and respect each other.

So, what do you think is the secret of long marriages?

Is Our Society Child Friendly?

2010-11-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

Before I had my child, I had read and heard about the sacrifices new parents have to make for the just-arrived member in the family. And I always thought that people made too much of a deal about it, after all, how could you grudge, deny time or even get bugged about such a cute little new member. And my philosophy was quite simple and straightforward – first show them who’s boss and then just integrate them in your adult life.

Needless to say, a LOT of my thinking changed when my daughter arrived. Nothing, nothing could’ve prepared me for the sacrifices! Of course when you are 60 and you look back, sacrificing a couple of years will not seem as big a deal, but when you are in the middle of your time, steeped in your career, finding your groove in the larger scheme of things, it does seem like a big deal. But that’s for another blog. This blog is about children and how I feel our society is increasingly becoming intolerant of them.

To begin with, our shifting attitude towards children. The Indian society, where children were a natural consequence of marriage, is giving way to couples who are postponing and even deciding not to have children. “Too much responsibility”, “They’ll ruin our freedom”, “Financial burden”, or “Later, not now”, when later never really happens.

At a recent party, which also had several chidlren, a lady told me, “There’s just too much noise and running around when it comes to children. I find it very disturbing.” And one frustrated parent told me that a school denied her child admission because she was born in a certain month, which made her ineligible through age! “Do I have to start planning children based on which school I want them to study in?!” She exclaimed.

And maybe, just maybe all this is leading to our civic and extended society, not considering children in the larger scheme of things. How else would your explain shrinking open spaces for children and adults alike to enjoy or the poorly managed parks? Or the fact that there are not enough movies that are suitable for chidlren. A friend of mine recently complained to me how her weekend movies have been drastically curtailed, because many of the movies were not appropriate for children – to vulgar with crass jokes, she explained. Most restaurants are not child-friendly, have you noticed how they bump into the corner of the table! The places are cramped and kids begin to get cranky quickly, ruining what you thought would be lovely evening spent with friends. And even if you take them to a friend’s place for dinner (who you’ll find out later do not have a child-friendly house), you are more worried about what they’ll ruin – maybe spill something on the plush sofa or the ‘expensive’ carpet or scribble on the wall, that you are far too worried to really enjoy the evening! The ubiquitous malls and shopping centers are definitely not child-friendly, despite the ‘fun centers’ --- for one, the crowd really puts them off and once they sense you’re shopping, their tantrums begin!

So where do you take your kids, here I am talking about places where you both can enjoy as parent and child and how do you integrate them into your so-called adult world, even as people and spaces begin to show their intolerance?

Have you experienced intelorance towards children? Share your experience.

The Deeper Connection

2010-11-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

I think sex is overrated. I mean I know how important it is in our lives and all that, but I think it’s getting more than its fair share of importance in society today. Even around a decade back it was a hush-hush topic met with shy smiles, lowered eye-lids and rose-tinted cheeks, but in today’s generation a simple act of crossing legs or licking lips has taken on a whole new meaning.

It’s a sexually charged society that we live in and I think marriages need to go beyond that.
Ok, admit that sex plays an anchor-like role in a marriage, but there’s so much more to a marriage than sex alone, so many tactile things that give you quiet satisfaction and send a wave of warmth through the body. While for men, it’s the closest they feel to their spouse, it’s not the same with women always, who fake interest and even orgasms to satisfy their husbands, whom they love. But for a more satisfying and deeper relationship, couples need to be tuned to each other’s needs, know what brings on that soft purr of contentment, makes you sigh with deep satisfaction or fills your heart with warm love. Here are some ways to get you closer and make that deeper connection:

A hug a day 
An act of a few seconds, but packed with a whole lot of meaning, a hug says what a hundred words can’t. It gives reassurance just to feel each others heart beats and soft breaths as you lock in embrace. A powerful way to express love and to show how much you care.

A shoulder massage 
Nothing like getting a massage after a hard day’s work. Soft hands kneading your over-stressed shoulders can be wonderful feeling. Also an act that says ‘I know and appreciate all the hard work you’re doing and here’s my way of acknowledging and repaying it’.

A foot scrub 
A few minutes in warm water and a foot massage can rejuvenate you in an instant.
Do it for your spouse and see their eyes light up.
Run your fingers through hair While sitting and watching your favorite show, just run your fingers through your spouse’s hair like a large tooth-comb. A soothing feeling that’ll make your spouse settle back with a deep sigh of satisfaction.

Look into my eyes 
“I hate it when I talk to my husband and he continues to watch TV or go through the newspaper while saying ‘I’m listing, go on.’” My friend used to tell me. It’s annoying and disrespectful. Mute the sound, put down the newspaper or the gardening tool or whatever else you are doing and make eye-contact with your spouse when he or she is talking. It adds ever so much to a relationship. It says I respect you and what you are saying.

Do small physical acts play a role in your relationship? Share them.

The Changing Man?

2010-10-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

In my last post I talked about what men want; in this post my friends ask myself, ‘But where are the MEN?’ I mean, where are the ‘men’ men? Really!

As teenagers we all fantasized the bulging bicep guy -- who bragged about lifting logs, with rough rugged looks – the likes of handsome Afghans maybe, and a careless swagger – like the eye-patched pirates. One would dream of being swept off my feet in his strong, yet caring arms, and revel in the ‘safe-from-the-word’ feeling.

Now as a wiser and less dreamy 30-something they all look around and don't see anyone.
Where are the machos? Where are the MEN? Suddenly they’ve turned into these mushy and sensitive guys.

As I dug deeper into this subject, I found out that men are becoming so called ‘feminine’ owing to a combination of several factors. The most important one being the liberalization of women and the fact that women don’t necessarily look for masculinity in a man these days. With women breaking the glass ceiling in many spheres as well as enjoying financial security (by their own means and hard work) women have stopped looking for the erstwhile qualities, read masculinity, money and the security it brings with it. What they look for in men include child-rearing qualities, as support to their emancipation as well as a man who can be useful around the house and support their wife’s ambitions.

The Wall Street Journal in an article titled: "Why Women Don't Want Macho Men" says that "Women are no longer reliant on a man's genes or jobs to ensure the health and wealth of their children, women may come to value other qualities in a mate. It may become evolutionarily adaptive to prefer men who are co-operative, communicative, caring and better parents over traditional 'manly men."

So…what do you guys think?

What Men Want

2010-10-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

It’s so hard to find a Man these days. A man-man you know?! Exclaimed a young friend of mine. She’s been dating for a while, but things haven’t yet ‘settled’ for her. So what is it you’re looking for? I ask her. Tall, handsome, strong. Someone who’s not afraid of crying, someone who really, ‘understands’ me. Someone who’s macho, but at the same time who can cook and look after the kids and hold me when I cry while am watching Serendipity without feeling awkward! She trailed off…

A rather tall order! I thought to myself. My friend apart, it got me thinking about what men really want. And here’s what I could come up with.

Mama’s boys. They are not called mama’s boys for nothing. Macho as they would like to portray themselves, men look for motherly qualities in women, and if something resembles their own mother, then they’ll definitely go for the relationship.
On the same note, men like femininity. But not necessarily the women who walk on the ramp, and are stick thin. They like a woman who can look sensuous in a sari or the slight ding dong swishes when a woman walks by.

Men like it short and sweet. We all know how different the two sexes are when it comes to emotions. They like to play it direct and in as little words as possible, while women tend to make it really, really complicated. It’s just that they’re wired that way. So if you want to sustain a relationship, keep all the raving and ranting and the tears for the all-girls’ party, and play it simple and direct with your man (that’s the language he understands best).
Women tend to look for a man who can ‘support’ them. It’s no different for a man, even though they might show otherwise. Women who support their man in his career, in his behavior or on any of his activities are more likely to sustain a strong relationship.

Men need to feel secure and want commitment. Experiences in your dating life might have been different. You see men changing girlfriends as quickly as their shirts. But when they are ready to settle down, they look for commitment. They want to share a home, a life.

Men don’t want to be alone. It’s a basic human tendency. We all need someone to be there for us, to love us, support us and take care of us. Despite their egos and what nots, deep down, they don’t want to be alone.

In my next post I’ll discuss the ‘changing man’.

But for now, tell me what you think men want. And I would love to hear from the MEN!

Can Women Have it All?

2010-09-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

Modern Indian women have it all. Or so you would think. They have a multitude of career doors opening for them like never before; they have a slowly but surely liberalizing societal system, which doesn’t frown upon love or inter-caste marriages with as much furrows as it did before – so they can choose the man of their dreams; they have an extended family to fall back on in case of help (parents, in laws, or maybe slightly more extended families) despite opting to go nuclear in some cases; they have agencies (some reliable and some maybe not) to help them get all sorts of supplementary help through cooks, drivers, maids, part-time full time hired help and etc, and mushrooming day care centers. With such a support system, you would think Indian women indeed have it all.

And yet, over the years I have seen so many discontented women, broken dreams, guilt-ridden mothers, stressed-and-depressed career women and I’ve wondered where lay the problem. I’ve known successful career women sick to the pits about a bawling baby in a maid’s arms back at home. I’ve known women who have abandoned lucrative careers for the sake of their children, and feeling guilty about “just sitting at home”. I’ve known women in their late thirties spending thousands in fertility clinics and lamenting the fact that they didn’t stop their career juggernaut to have babies, or were too scared to take on the responsibilities. I’ve known mothers struggling with freelance careers in the hope of having it all, but unsatisfied at having ‘nothing’. And I’ve known women who seem to have it all – a fantastic career, wonderful children, and a lovely home, and are so stressed by it all, that given an option, they would take a completely different path!

So where is the problem?

I think it lies in choices and more importantly in compromises. Women while indulging in their dreams forget that they have to make compromises, right from the time they enter into a relationship to when they get married and have children. And they forget that they have to make hard choices, keeping in mind these compromises and most important of all to be happy or teach oneself to be happy with their choices -- compromise-ridden as they might be -- and whether their own or sometimes meted out to them. And above all, not to fret over the ‘what could’ve beens’ because in reality there are no such things, or compare yourselves to other women, because every women and every situation is different.

As to the question if women can have it all, maybe Australian Governor-General Quentin Bryce answered it best with, “You can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time."

What has been your experience? Do you think women can have it all?

Budget In a Marriage

2010-09-07T00:39:00.000-07:00

Budgeting, like dieting is something that all of us definitely want to do, because we like the result of it, and also know that it is good for us, but somehow can’t really get down to it, as we get tempted and sidetracked by many other attractions or are simply lazy. But believe me when I say that budgeting is really key to financial health, financial success and financial well-being. And when you get down to it, you’ll find that it is not all that difficult or mind-numbing. And the beauty of it lies in the fact that you jointly get to decide what you want to do with your financial resources and achieve your dreams.

Paper, pen and calculator
First things first. Urge your partner to find time and sit down with pen, paper and calculator and get to work. If you prefer something fancier, you could try out an excel sheet or even perhaps the many budgeting software options on the net. But either way, get down to it. Make the broad categories of fixed household expenses and the odd ones that keep occurring. If you get into too much detail, you might find yourself bogged down by the book-keeping, and if you make too broad categories you might find your money going down a blackhole. So make sure that you find some sort of balance, and don’t forget the smaller stuff, because at the end of the tally, they might be the real culprit for some gaping mismatch in numbers! And if you harbor big dreams -- whether it is building / buying your dream house, going on a dream vacation or the need to spend on an expensive hobby, factor it in and work backwards to see how you can achieve it.
Whether you want to keep a joint account or separate account for your expenses is left to you, but make it clear about who is going to chip in how much and how you really want to structure your financial resources. For this, communication and trust are vital.

Communicate and trust
During all this exercise, it’s vital to keep communication channels open and to trust your better half that he/she is keeping the end of the bargain to maintain the budget. If, on a shopping stint you feel like splurging on something expensive, before you swipe that card, make sure you call your spouse and tell him / her about it, so you can make a joint decision, instead of regretting the impulse later or getting into arguments. If at some point you feel that your wife is spending more for household expenses than a previous month, instead of doubting or distrusting, ask her why.Through this, you will be faithful to your budget as well as build on a relationship rooted in trust. And if you find that your spouse is getting wayward, help him / her stick to it.

Help each other to stick to it
It’s thrilling when we embark on something, especially with a partner, but six months down the line, you might find that it’s not that exciting anymore. It’s the same with a budget, especially ones that come with hard choices. And ever so often, you might find yourself throwing up your hands and saying, “It’s not worth all the trouble,” or just go with your feelings at that point of time. This is when it’s crucial that you support each other and resolve to stick by your plans and commitment.

Like many things in a marriage, budgeting plays an important role that will help you in more ways than you can imagine. It will help to build, and work on trust, open communication, partnership and joint responsibility.

And through this, above all, you’ll be financially secure!

Share your savings story with us

Circle of Love

2010-08-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

Here's a toast to friends..
Congratulations to Shrinath who is tying the knot with Sudha on August 27th.

And Ani ,whose found love and taking the plunge with Hiten on August 28th in Mumbai.
Am sure gonna miss your wedding gal!

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig

The circle of love

The engagement. It is a significant and beautiful moment in a couple’s life as they prepare themselves for a bond that will last a lifetime. And at the center of this ceremony is the most important physical element --- the ring, the symbol of promised togetherness for a lifetime. It’s not just a ring. It’s a circle of love. And it means different things to different people.

A promise. It comes in various designs, shapes, sizes and colors, but at the heart of it all, it symbolizes a promise. A promise to stand by your loved one and knowing that your partner will be there for you in return. It gives you a sense of security, because deep down, you know there is a shoulder to lean on in difficult times and that you will play the role of a support, when your loved one needs you. It’s a powerful promise and one that is for keeps.

A circle of life. Like every circle, the ring tells the tale of happiness and sorrow. Like the many cycles in our lives, there will be happy times at the end of sad ones and sad times after happy ones. It is the circle of life, and we cannot escape it. But having that ring on your finger gives you the strength to face the gyrations of life because you know you are not alone; there is someone to celebrate the happy times and share the sad ones. And that alone gives you that little extra courage to face whatever life throws at you with a smile.

Feeling loved. You might be in the midst of the most ordinary chores, perhaps doing the dishes or straightening up your place or perhaps deep in work and suddenly you notice the ring on your finger and a slow smile lights up your face. You know somewhere out there, is a person who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you and the most beautiful part is that you reciprocate the feeling. You sigh and wonder how such a brief and seemingly insignificant moment of looking at your ring could brighten up your day in such a beautiful way! Such is the power of the ring.

And then you finally tie the knot, and the wedding band is placed on your finger. Important and significant as that might be, you continue to feel a strong sense of connectedness and belonging when you look at your engagement ring, because it was the first symbol of a sweet beginning…

So what is your engagement ring story? What does it mean to you?

Fitness in your relationship!

2010-08-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

In a previous blog, ‘Build a marriage that helps you both grow’, I had mentioned that doing an activity together is a great way to bring both of you closer and create a beautiful bond that you will come to cherish. Well, one such activity is be fitness – it does not mean that you sign up for a gym right away, it could mean taking dance classes together, going on hiking and trekking trips regularly, getting on a bike, jogging in the neighborhood park or even buying a DIY fitness CD and sweating it out! You don’t need to spend the stipulated 1 hour, which for some might be too tiring, doctors and fitness experts recommend a good 30 minutes workout every day is good enough for health and happiness.

We all know how important fitness is in our lives, and yet we forget, are too lazy, find excuses or simply do not have the time to make it a daily part of our lives. Even if we do, it lasts for a couple of weeks and then fitness takes a backseat once again.

The benefits of exercise
Yes, yes, we all know that exercises are good for us. Even if you do, I would like to reiterate it here, even at the risk of sounding redundant, because I want to emphasize how IMPORTANT it really is. Physical activity also gives a workout to your brain, leaving you happier and more relaxed. Exercises manage your weight, improve your mood, keep diseases at bay, boost your energy levels in the long run, help you sleep better, and also bring a spark to your sex life! Fitness also gives you a toned and ‘fit’ look, boosting your self-esteem and making you more attractive towards your partner.

Make fitness a priority
And yet, we find it hard to get off our ass! We love to find excuses ranging from the weather, to ‘I don’t have the time’, ‘Gyms are too far’ and what nots. But seriously, if I were to ask you to look hard into your day, is it really that difficult to find a 30 minute slot in your day? Of course not! Whether you are a morning person or prefer to exercise in the evening, find a time slot that suits you both and make it a priority in your life. Even if it so happens, that you are a morning jogger and your partner likes to hit the gym in the evening, do it in your time, but encourage each other and support each other in your fitness routine.

Above all, make sure that that time slot is for your fitness routine only, and don’t allow snoozing, coffee with friends, shopping sprees, or any other excuses to creep into that time slot. Would you allow any the above excuses to eat into your office time or any other activity that your consider priority? No! Keep the same set of rules for your fitness too. Because it is priority! Well, it’s going to be from now!

Make it fun
Frankly, working out a regimented routine day in and day out might get boring and even cause muscle fatigue. So, pepper your weekly fitness regime with some fun activities on a regular basis. Throw in a cycling trip, a couple of lap races in the pool, a game of tennis or badminton to break the monotony that might creep in. Remember fitness is not a form of torture, it should be fun! It should be motivating! And it’s a great way of bringing your closer to your partner!

I'd like to hear what you have to say about the role of exercise and fitness in your relationship

Of Girls’ Night Outs and Beer Buddies!

2010-07-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

As much as I like spending quiet nights in great companionship or sometimes, a romantic evening and even sometimes ahem….you know what, I also like to take a break from my spouse for an all-girl night out once in a while! I love my ‘girl’ friends and I think it’s necessary to invest my time in their friendship. Spouses are great, (and can make great friends too), but so are friends. And I don’t think you should sacrifice one for the other. It’s true marriage changes your social life in a significant way, but friends are for keeps too! I love a good night of sheer nonsense gossip maybe, or some cerebral discussions or even to share something that’s been worrying me so I get a different perspective.

Guys have their beer buddies and love to spend time with their own sex, there’s something about gender camaraderie which the other sex can never really get right. One of the inequalities or maybe the equalities of life? But certainly a reality. To be respected and given its due.
What do you say?

So next time you feel like you need time out, talk to your spouse in advance and head for your favorite joint with your best girl friends or organize a quick beer-buddy get together at a pub. And don’t feel guilty about neglecting your spouse! It’s normal and even healthy for the relationship.

When was the last time you had a time with your girl friends or beer buddies?
And how did it feel?

Build a marriage that helps you both grow

2010-07-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

It’s worthwhile to introspect on your marriage from time to time and ask honest questions like, “Am I feeling suffocated in this relationship?” “Am I growing as person?” “Am I giving my spouse scope for growth?” Being frank and honest while examining these questions will go a long way in helping you assess the true worth of your relationship as well as give each of you an opportunity to set things on the right path.

A marriage that gives you no scope to grow might as well be dead. As human beings, we are not meant to ride on a treadmill like lab rats, deceived by the motion that is not actually getting us anywhere. We need to progress, we need grow, we need constantly learn, we need to thrive and feel alive. A relationship which gives you all of that is worth all its weight in gold.

Here are some ways to help your marriage grow and in turn help you both grow in positive and fruitful ways.

Show love: Once the initial lovey-dovey phase has worn out, we tend to take each other for granted and even forget to show how much we truly love and care for our partner. Make sure that you hug each other every day or call each other during the day or when you are out at work, it shows that you really care. And infuse your relationship with passion, something that we tend to neglect once we get caught up with our work and other commitments in life – a quick, romantic weekend getaway, a candle-lit dinner, a walk in the park hand-in-hand.

Cultivate a hobby together: Don’t restrict your time together to only for watching TV shows or sitting together for a quick bite at breakfast. You might have similar or even different interests; if it is the latter, the stronger the reason to cultivate a hobby together. Through this you will discover each other in different aspects, at the same time investing your time in learning something new, fruitful and satisfying. It could be exercising, dancing, bird-watching, pottery or even reading aloud.

Respect each other: Differences are bound to be there, there will be opinions and opinions, but as long as you respect each other and openly allow and respect that your spouse can have a view totally different, you won’t get too caught up or taken by the fights that ensue. You don’t need to be sacrificial or too territorial about your views; it’s healthy to have differing opinions, and yet at the end of it know that you love and respect your spouse.

Give each other space: Respect and give room to your spouse for his / her other activities, which could be spending time exclusively with or indulging in a hobby that you might not have interest in. It’s important that you give each other that space and time.

Be friends: There’s nothing like have a spouse who is your friend. No matter how your relationship has started, either through passion or through an arranged marriage, there is always time to develop a bond of friendship with your spouse, to be there for your partner, to support and show that you truly care, like you would for a friend.

In what ways has your marriage grown? In what ways have you grown with your marriage?

Stages of a relationship

2010-07-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

Shakespeare described the seven stages of man beautifully in his famous poem, similarly every relationship goes through its own set of stages, some relationships tend to skip a stage or two, but all of them typically go through them in some form or another. But unlike Shakespeare’s clearly demarcated stages, the stages in a relationship might not be so clear-cut and defined, and many times they happen so gradually and at a subconscious level, that they are almost imperceptible, and sometimes they can also revert to previous stages. But stages, they definitely go through.

The hunky-dory stage
Also referred to as the honeymoon stage, this is the heady stage when you fall in love with your partner, and everything seems hunky-dory, a stage when you whisper sweet nothings and gaze into each other’s eyes unmindful of other onlookers. This is for some the best stage in a relationship, because you are not really worried about the things that will crop up later and even if you do, you have the conviction that “love will conquer all” because your heart is full of hope for a rosy future.
Alas, like all good things this stage too will come to end, sometimes it can take a few weeks and even sometimes a year or two. But eventually it is not self-sustaining however much you would’ve thought it would be when you initially fell in love. And so you slowly slip into the next stage.

The “reality” stage
The “realistic” stage. A stage when things come down from the so called plane of love to sometimes “harsh” reality. In this stage, you slowly begin to see your partner for what he or she really is – with the positive and negative traits. You might have noticed them in the previous stage, but you always thought love would change him / her – love conquers after all. And when you see that it doesn’t change as easily, arguments erupt, fights break out or you might slip into moodiness or simply withdraw into your own shell as a form of punishment towards your partner.
In this stage the emotionally mature person has a stronger task at hand and will come out as the pillar of the relationship. But if the other person refuses the support, things will begin to get rocky. In this stage it’s important to lay issues out, to talk out openly and maturely and see how the differences can be sorted out.

“What next?” stage
If you’ve managed to tide over the previous stage as two mature individuals and ones who have vowed to rough it out and have sorted out differences, you might enter the stage sometimes also known as “dead zone”. This is the stage when you feel nothing really happens – after the heady love phase and the tempestuous “reality” stage, you enter a dull phase. Usually by now, several years have passed and maybe children have robbed you of your time together. You might still love the person, but the intensity might have diminished and many times there could also develop – subconsciously -- an emotional disconnect.
If this is led to continue for an extended period of time, it might even lead to one of those couples who live a domestically peaceful life, but one that is devoid of any true connection. Some partners seeking something more meaningful might even decided to go seek it elsewhere. On the other hand if you identify this stage for what it represents – the end of the relationship, you can work together to get out of it to get back the spark in your relationship.

True partners
You know you’ve entered this stage when you complement each other in a positive way, truly accept and also respect each other for who you really are, especially in the light of all the stages you’ve been through before. There are times when you might revert to any of the previous stages, but at the same time you also have the confidence that you can overcome them, because you’ve been there before. But come what may, in this stage, you also have the conviction that you are in it together as a team and as true life partners in good times and bad times.

When you look back into the story of your own relationship, can you recognize these stages and how you dealt with them? And where do you think your relationship stands now?

Things I Wish I Knew Before Marriage

2010-06-16T02:03:00.000-07:00

In my years as a match-maker of sorts I have come across many people who expect a lot from marriage and a pretty disappointed a few years down the line or even lesser. People who enter thinking of roses and chocolates are disillusioned when they find out that marriage is also about thorns and bitter pills.

Through my experience of getting and keeping two souls together I have learned a couple of things and would like to share them with you.

People change; People don’t change

This is conflicting, I know. But some of my friends feel that their spouse has suddenly changed after marriage and some mourn that even after years of marriage their spouse has not changed a bit! “Before we got married he used to be very sensitive. Now he doesn’t care!” complained Richa. Or my good friend Abhishek who hoped his wife’s excessive partying would eventually stop, and was disappointed that even after the baby arrived she continued her late night parties!

Well, it’s not fair on our part to expect someone to change according to what we think we would like him or her to be or rue the fact that a person has changed. It’s better to accept the change or the lack of it and more importantly communicate and see how you can work as a team.

When kids come, they change everything

You keep hearing this and like many things you don’t realize how true this statement is until you’ve actually experienced it for yourself. Especially now with nuclear families, juggling kids, maids, day-cares, chores and a job has put more stress on the relationship. “We didn’t even have time to talk to each other, because our toddler son would keep interrupting our conversation!”
I remember a friend saying. And this is after the more grueling phase of taking care of a newborn!

Neglecting your relationship at this time can boomerang later on. While the new mother needs her own space, the new dad has to cope with feelings of being left out. Either way, it’s important that you consciously make time for each other. Remember, once the child grows up and is off to carve his own future, you’re back to each other.

Sex vs. cuddling

It’s no secret that men want sex and women cherish cuddling and intimacy. Men need it physical and women need it in its entirety. “I remember he used to be quite sensitive to my moods in the beginning, later it was just about himself,” confesses Arti. “Why can’t she talk dirty?” Blurted a male friend of mine once.

The most important thing is to be open about it --- it’s your spouse after all, not a stranger --- and work towards what makes you both comfortable and happy. It’s not going to happen overnight or over the course of even several months, but most importantly keep your communication channels open.

Be open about finances

“I never really knew how much my husband had stashed in his account, until I accidentally saw his bank statement. And he used to keep telling me that there wasn’t enough money for this or for that,” said Jyoti, who I knew was a spendthrift, so I was secretly happy that Prakash her husband was secretive about the finances. But that apart, I think it’s important for the partners to maintain honesty and transparency in finances so you avoid snooping spouses or resentments and lies.

Marriage is hard work

You might have heard this often, but it won’t actually hit you until you face hurdles, which can come in many forms. And believe me, it is hard work. Sometimes it means swallowing your pride, sometimes accepting a fault, even when it is not yours, sometimes learning to change your outlook and sometimes adopting an entire set of new friends! Whatever it is, be prepared for some hard work, after all nothing in life comes easy, but remember that sweetest fruits are that of labor.

To Marry or Not to Marry?

2010-05-31T19:53:00.000-07:00

To Marry or Not to Marry?

I thought I got a happy news when my 30 something friend Shalini told me that she had finally decided to marry. “It’s going to happen at the end of the year.” She told me excitedly. A Hindu, she was excited about the fact that she would have both Hindu and Christian; her boyfriend being Christian. It’s been two years since; and when I last spoke to her she told me, “Definitely this year.” I sat her down and asked her what was holding her back. “It’s the commitment issue, yaar. It’s not that I have doubts about him. I have my doubts about marriage itself. It’s quite scary actually.”

Youngsters are increasingly postponing marriage, which is often dumped as a constriction and are enjoying their new-found singlehood – working hard, partying harder --- and financial independence and are busy chasing their dreams. In many instances parents have either given up putting pressure on their children to hitch up or want their children to make their own choices, be it for their careers or marriage.

Earlier people obeyed parental wishes to get married and entered into wedlock out of societal pressures, and when encountered with troubled times, they just roughed it out. But with a generation that wants instant gratification and instant cures to relationship problems, which typically take years and years of empathetic understanding, it comes as no surprise that marriage is increasingly being pushed. And with society accepting and even hailing singletons, the pressures of marriage either from parents or society is waning.

For someone like Shalini, I could quite understand how the prospect of getting married and “settling down”, adjusting to relatives and making the hazaar compromises that come with marriage could be quite unnerving. She’s the classic ‘new generation’ type – independent, living with friends, working, earning and partying. It’s not easy for people of this generation, who are pretty much independent in most ways to be summoned to get coffee for the other half first thing in the morning or make sure his / her clothes are pressed, as the other half likes it, for instance. At first these small chores, done out of “love”, are a joy; a few weeks down the line, they become a burden and after a few months later you are ready to scream “Go figure!” Sustaining the relationship in good times and bad, discovering each other over the years and supporting each other over these years, through all personality and character flaws does not come easy. I guess that’s where her hesitation comes from, that’s what she subconsciously classifies as ‘commitment issues’.

I hope Shalini finally gets married this year. At least one half of the problem is resolved – she’s certain of her man, it’s the second half – or getting over her fear of marriage and commitment she has to work on. Shalini, if you are reading this, I would like to tell you that commitment is not about fear or all the negativity, it’s about change and change is not necessarily painful, it can be joyous and rewarding.

New year!

2009-12-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

The year draws to a close and here are few things that one can do to begin the new year ! Live a full life, be able to take those risks and Marrygold wishes you Love, Luck, Laughter

Post By Annabel Candy
Moving to Central America wasn’t a decision that came easily to us. Before finally deciding to go for it, my husband, Rich, and I had endless circular debates, many sleepless nights and lots of heart ache.

But eventually we took the plunge. We sold our home, along with most of our other belongings, uprooted our kids from the beautiful island in New Zealand where they’d been born and raised, and moved to Panama.

Why Panama?

For many years we’d planned to move overseas to Australia and visited several times to check it out. We were looking for warmer weather and, although what we saw of Australia looked great, it didn’t set our world on fire.

Meanwhile, my husband, Rich, was spending a lot of time on the Internet researching other possible places we could move to. We were attracted to Central America for four main reasons:

Strategic – We could get residency in countries like Panama, Costa Rica or Nicaragua.
Setting – It’s tropical and safe with great beaches and amazing wildlife.
Language and Culture – The main language is spanish and although we didn’t speak it we were keen to learn and wanted our kids to be bilingual and experience a totally new culture.
Adventure – We’d never been there before but love to travel.

When it came down to it, the idea of moving to Central America and having a real adventure captured our imagination in a way that the safe move to Australia couldn’t.

But still the dilemma raged on for months

Our heads were saying move to Australia. It was the safe, sensible option. It was near New Zealand with the same language and a similar time zone so we could even maintain our web design and copywriting business and have a continuous income.

But our hearts were keen for adventure, even though we knew it would be tough to settle down and earn money in a developing country where we didn’t yet have residency or speak the language.

So how did we make the decision?

Why did we choose to go down the unknown path and take a risk? Were we brave, mad or both?

As Sir Edmund Hilary said about climbing Everest, we did it because we could. We knew that the freedom and opportunity we had then might not come our way again for a while. Our kids were still young (1, 5 and 8 years old) so we weren’t too worried about them missing school and we wanted to travel with them and expose them to new languages and cultures while we could.

We knew that if we don’t do it right then, we knew we might never visit Central America.

Best of all, we knew that if it all went wrong we could still move to Australia at a later date because Australia wasn’t going anywhere.

Of course, in the end that’s what happened. We spent 18 months in Central America and ended up living in Costa Rica, not Panama, for over a year before moving to Australia.

But we’re so glad we went there in the first place. Maybe our business and retirement fund suffered, but the experiences we had were priceless and we’d do it all over again in an instant.

Making hard decisions easy

Have you ever spent time reading and thinking about doing something without ever actually taking the plunge and doing it?

People often tell me they want to do something but they can’t because of this, that or the other reason. Usually they’re quite sensible reasons too, but do you want to lead a sensible life? Or maybe you’d prefer one filled with adventure?

If you want to avoid leading an average life you’re going to have to make some hard, uncomfortable decisions and be prepared to take a few risks.

Sometimes it does take a long time to make a decision but then a tipping point comes and suddenly you know what you need to do and you find a way to do it.

For me, life is all about having new and exciting experiences, challenging the status quo and challenging myself.

You can learn about something second hand and study it until you’re blue in the face, but you won’t really understand it or appreciate it until you try it.

Reading about Costa Rica, India or Africa isn’t the same as actually visiting those places with all their inherent sights and sounds. Watching documentaries or slide-shows don’t cut it either. In the end you have to do stuff.

You have to live life and not hide away from it because you’re too worried about what might happen if it doesn’t go to plan.

It’s the same scenario with getting healthy. It’s no use buying fancy exercise gear, new trainers and filling the fridge with seasonal fruit and vegetables. You have to get up early, get the clothes on and go for a walk then come home and make a fruit salad. Repeat for 28 days and you should start to feel a difference.

You can’t just think about doing things, you have to actually do them.

5 Secrets for Avoiding an Average Life

Be prepared to make some decisions that scare you.
Embrace the fear of the unknown and think of it as an adventure.
Think about the worst thing that could happen and have a ‘plan b’ to fall back on.
Be pragmatic and grab opportunities while you can in case they don’t come your way again.
Be brave… and maybe even a little bit mad.

We may be average people with average families living in average houses on an average income. But that doesn’t mean we have to lead an average life.

Dial M for MARRYGOLD

2009-09-20T04:18:00.001-07:00

Marriage a phone call away
The M word is far more dreaded than the D-word, but let’s face it, there is no escaping from both. And though divorces have become a routine affair as casual as getting married itself, most singletons still yearn for the security of being married. ...

An eligible Business

2009-08-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

Marrygold featured in Deccan Chronicle

I'll have the arranged love marriage, please

2009-08-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

Marrygold in Marie Claire