The Awakening

Editor’s Note: The author of this is unknown. But it is a great read. Enjoy.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it …

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice in your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying! You are tired of struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh, and what you should wear, and where you should shop, and what you should drive, how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are, what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive.

And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man (or woman) on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love … and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms … just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely … and you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you ”stack up”.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings or entitlement are perfectly OK … and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want … and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his/her touch … and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. You learn that your body really is your temple. And, you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise.

You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve … and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time, FEAR ITSELF.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometime bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.

It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’m not sure what you really think about Valentine’s Day. Some people fret for several weeks in advance and fuss about the perfect gift, or how they would surprise their loved one or think about the best way to spend that special day. And there are those in the other camp who would ask you, “Valentine what?” But for someone’s who’s been in the business of getting two people together, it sure is a special day. Not because of all the frenzy around it, but because it presents itself as a day to commemorate your love for each other.

Couples who have been married for several years will vouch for time having a sandpaper effect on love…wearing it away with time. And for such people, a day like this becomes an occasion to renew their vows of love. And for those still pink-fresh with love, a gentle reminder -- things do not always stay hunky-dory. No, I am not throwing a dampener on your rosy life, but just hinting at the reality. And if and when you find yourselves in the throes of the sandpaper effect, just come back to read this post.

Here are 5 wonderful ways to cherish your relationship this Valentine’s Day.

Talk & listen. In our busy schedules, we generally tend to forget the basic tenet of a relationship. Open communication. So, starting this Valentine’s Day, make it a point to carve out 30 minutes from your day, to talk. It could be in the early morning, before the world wakes up, or a quick lunch-time talk, or maybe when the world has retired to bed. But mark it in your calendar. And yes, talk and listen.

That special feeling. Once in a couple of weeks, surprise your partner by making her / him feel special. Take her out to a play or a concert. Cook him his favourite dish. Buy her flowers. Buy him tickets to his favourite holiday destination. Get that special feeling back in your lives. There’s time, you could still come up with something for this Valentine’s Day!

Down memory lane. If the sandpaper has already worn your love-life thin, maybe this Valentine’s Day, over a quiet dinner under some candle lights, you could take out the sepia-tinted album and relive your ‘love days’. When your heart used to skip a beat seeing him across a crowded room. When you would wait in anticipation after class. Or the first time you held hands nervously. Getting back fond memories could kindle new ones. You never know! So get to the attic and bring down those memories!

Doing it together. Ok, being married doesn’t mean you’ve to do everything together. But some times it does. It’s great to bond over a common interest. Pottery maybe? Or dance? Or visiting places? Or reading books? Find a common interest and decide to pursue it together diligently. You will cherish the time spent together. Start a joint hobby this Valentine’s Day!

Say I love you. That’s what Valentine’s Day is for, stupid. Then, do it. And don’t stop saying it once the day is over. Make it a point to say these special words to your spouse every day.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! We would love to hear from you about how you spent your Valentine’s Day. So, stop by this page and tell us your V Day experience!

Resolutions for your Marriage, 2011

‘What’s the point of a marriage if you have to ‘work at it’? You get together because you love each other and then you just go on.’ Right? Wrong.

When you see life with rose-tinted glasses, you would probably believe in the above, but married a few years, you realize that things are not as rosy or simple and that ‘working at it’ is required. (Read: Stages of a Relationship). And many years down the line, you realize that it is indeed ‘hard work’.

But don’t get me wrong, it is not ‘hard’ hard work; the hard work can be fun too! It’s like working hard towards achieving something: climbing a hill to enjoy the beautiful view, working at a painting and sitting back and enjoying it when it’s on the wall or any of the activities where the journey – hard as it may seem sometimes, is as beautiful as the end.

It’s the same kind of hard work in a marriage. Here’s an idea, why don’t you start by making your New Year resolutions as a couple! Sit down together, brain storm about your marriage goals for the year, write it down and revisit the list throughout the year to stay on course!

Here are some tips:

1. What do you want in your marriage this year?

You probably would have discussed about your ideas of marriage before getting married, but it’s always good to revisit these ideas. And now it’s time to be specific. What is it specifically that you would like to do this year to get closer to your idea of marriage? Go on dates more often? Have late night chats every week? Start a hobby together? Go on a dream vacation? Or perhaps start a family? Even if some ideas seem out of reach at the moment, don’t discount them; give them a fair hearing, put them out on the table, that’s what this brainstorming session is all about.

2. Be specific.

If a holiday is on that list for both of you this year, break it into smaller goals, maybe how much money you would have to save every month for it, or who is going to take charge of the bookings and other arrangements? Or schedule your work life keeping the dates in mind. Make sure your break down your resolutions into specific workable goals.

3. Re-visit your goals.

It’s easier said than done. It’s easy to get everything on paper, but not quite as easy when it comes to honoring it. To help you stick to your goals, take a printout of the list and stick it on the wall or the fridge – any common place. That way you get to see it every day and it’s somewhere in the periphery of your consciousness. You’ll find this method helps, especially when our days get increasingly crammed with hundreds of activities.

4. Hold each other accountable.

Make sure your resolution has someone assigned to each activity. That way, you know who is doing what and also who is slipping up. If you see your partner slacking, point it out to her and help her stay on course.

5. Enjoy the fruits.

At the heart of this list, remember the journey should be as enjoyable as the goal. Make sure the activities don’t become arduous, enjoy the journey. And if you feel that at some point it is becoming burdensome, talk to your partner about it.

And remember, honor your resolution!

'LOL’ in your Marriage

‘My partner should have a sense of humor’ – how many times have you heard or read this line when friends or people list out what they are looking for in a partner? Many, if not most times is my guess. Maybe it’s something that you too have been secretly looking for, perhaps without expressing it consciously.

Ever wondered why?

Because deep down we are seekers of happiness…and laughter. And we tend to look for that kind of quality in our partners too. Even if we sometimes appear as a rather ‘serious’ person to others, the one quietly laughing at jokes rather than cracking them, we crave for that light moment, or someone to create it.

In my experience, marriages that have lightness and laughter are the ones that tend to last. The just-quarreled couple who can crack up when in anger a partner realizes that he is reading the newspaper upside down, or a partner who bangs her head at the door while storming out after a spat. Or laugh hard when the baby passes wind while you’re powdering her, despite the many sleepless nights. Or burst out loud when in the middle of a tender moment late at night, a nosy neighbor knocks at your door for a cup of sugar!

Many times we tend to get ‘serious’ after marriage and even more after kids, because of the so-called responsibilities that suddenly find their way into our lives. But deep down we are yet craving for our care-free selves and the many laughter-filled days. And that’s what we tend to look for in a partner, someone to lighten the sometimes tedious journey. You may be the one cracking the jokes or you may be the one who sits at the ringside and laughs, either way, both of you are looking for that one thing – humor.

Yes, marriage like most of life is filled with joyous times and difficult ones, but if couples can find that lighter moment in the darkest of times (and you’ll see you’ll find it easier, when you work at it as partners), then you are likely to find the source of strength that can carry you through. So next time you have a spat, bring in humor and see what a healthy change it can make!

Share you lighter and funny moments with us!

Long Marriages

Long marriages

When a friend’s grandparents celebrated 50 years of their marriage, there was no big party or a fancy exchanging of vows. It was a simple affair. All the family members (the ones that really cared) came together and they had a lovely get together to commemorate the coming of two much loved souls. Two souls who were never perfect for each other, but stuck it out…during happy days and sad ones, angry days and sulky ones.

Grandfather was moody and prone to bursts of terrible rage, my friend being at the receiving end many times and grandmother was much ahead of her times in her thinking and even broke many protocols by working as a teacher, then as a principal of a school and even getting a PhD. Sadly she was never really ‘appreciated and understood’ for who she really was, because grandfather wanted someone to only cook and look after him and the children, like most men of his generation.

When my friend asked her grandmother, “Ajji 50 years, but how did you stick on? You being you?” She replied, “The secret lies in laughing. Nowadays I see so many young couples going to marriage counselors only few years into their marriage or even divorcing without giving the marriage some time. You should give each other time. And I think people take this marriage thing too seriously. Take it lightly. Even when your grandfather used to make fun of my ambitions, I accepted it lightly and told myself that it’s the way he is. It doesn’t mean that the marriage worked because I tried and changed my outlook, even your grandfather did his bit. He worked on his anger and chipped in to look after the kids, because his wife worked too -- something very few men of his generation did.”

And when my friend asked her grandfather about the long marriage, he gave a short laugh and replied in a few words, “I took a wow before god that I would look after her. And that’s what I’m doing.” Simple.

I’m closing in on six years of my marriage and time has slipped by like a dream. It’s a milestone worth celebrating. We’ve both changed in many ways to adjust to each other even as we continue to love and respect each other.

So, what do you think is the secret of long marriages?

Is Our Society Child Friendly?

Before I had my child, I had read and heard about the sacrifices new parents have to make for the just-arrived member in the family. And I always thought that people made too much of a deal about it, after all, how could you grudge, deny time or even get bugged about such a cute little new member. And my philosophy was quite simple and straightforward – first show them who’s boss and then just integrate them in your adult life.

Needless to say, a LOT of my thinking changed when my daughter arrived. Nothing, nothing could’ve prepared me for the sacrifices! Of course when you are 60 and you look back, sacrificing a couple of years will not seem as big a deal, but when you are in the middle of your time, steeped in your career, finding your groove in the larger scheme of things, it does seem like a big deal. But that’s for another blog. This blog is about children and how I feel our society is increasingly becoming intolerant of them.

To begin with, our shifting attitude towards children. The Indian society, where children were a natural consequence of marriage, is giving way to couples who are postponing and even deciding not to have children. “Too much responsibility”, “They’ll ruin our freedom”, “Financial burden”, or “Later, not now”, when later never really happens.

At a recent party, which also had several chidlren, a lady told me, “There’s just too much noise and running around when it comes to children. I find it very disturbing.” And one frustrated parent told me that a school denied her child admission because she was born in a certain month, which made her ineligible through age! “Do I have to start planning children based on which school I want them to study in?!” She exclaimed.

And maybe, just maybe all this is leading to our civic and extended society, not considering children in the larger scheme of things. How else would your explain shrinking open spaces for children and adults alike to enjoy or the poorly managed parks? Or the fact that there are not enough movies that are suitable for chidlren. A friend of mine recently complained to me how her weekend movies have been drastically curtailed, because many of the movies were not appropriate for children – to vulgar with crass jokes, she explained. Most restaurants are not child-friendly, have you noticed how they bump into the corner of the table! The places are cramped and kids begin to get cranky quickly, ruining what you thought would be lovely evening spent with friends. And even if you take them to a friend’s place for dinner (who you’ll find out later do not have a child-friendly house), you are more worried about what they’ll ruin – maybe spill something on the plush sofa or the ‘expensive’ carpet or scribble on the wall, that you are far too worried to really enjoy the evening! The ubiquitous malls and shopping centers are definitely not child-friendly, despite the ‘fun centers’ --- for one, the crowd really puts them off and once they sense you’re shopping, their tantrums begin!

So where do you take your kids, here I am talking about places where you both can enjoy as parent and child and how do you integrate them into your so-called adult world, even as people and spaces begin to show their intolerance?

Have you experienced intelorance towards children? Share your experience.

The Deeper Connection

I think sex is overrated. I mean I know how important it is in our lives and all that, but I think it’s getting more than its fair share of importance in society today. Even around a decade back it was a hush-hush topic met with shy smiles, lowered eye-lids and rose-tinted cheeks, but in today’s generation a simple act of crossing legs or licking lips has taken on a whole new meaning.

It’s a sexually charged society that we live in and I think marriages need to go beyond that.
Ok, admit that sex plays an anchor-like role in a marriage, but there’s so much more to a marriage than sex alone, so many tactile things that give you quiet satisfaction and send a wave of warmth through the body. While for men, it’s the closest they feel to their spouse, it’s not the same with women always, who fake interest and even orgasms to satisfy their husbands, whom they love. But for a more satisfying and deeper relationship, couples need to be tuned to each other’s needs, know what brings on that soft purr of contentment, makes you sigh with deep satisfaction or fills your heart with warm love. Here are some ways to get you closer and make that deeper connection:

A hug a day

An act of a few seconds, but packed with a whole lot of meaning, a hug says what a hundred words can’t. It gives reassurance just to feel each others heart beats and soft breaths as you lock in embrace. A powerful way to express love and to show how much you care.

A shoulder massage

Nothing like getting a massage after a hard day’s work. Soft hands kneading your over-stressed shoulders can be wonderful feeling. Also an act that says ‘I know and appreciate all the hard work you’re doing and here’s my way of acknowledging and repaying it’.

A foot scrub

A few minutes in warm water and a foot massage can rejuvenate you in an instant.
Do it for your spouse and see their eyes light up.
Run your fingers through hair
While sitting and watching your favorite show, just run your fingers through your spouse’s hair like a large tooth-comb. A soothing feeling that’ll make your spouse settle back with a deep sigh of satisfaction.

Look into my eyes

“I hate it when I talk to my husband and he continues to watch TV or go through the newspaper while saying ‘I’m listing, go on.’” My friend used to tell me. It’s annoying and disrespectful. Mute the sound, put down the newspaper or the gardening tool or whatever else you are doing and make eye-contact with your spouse when he or she is talking. It adds ever so much to a relationship. It says I respect you and what you are saying.

Do small physical acts play a role in your relationship? Share them.