Can Women Have it All?

Modern Indian women have it all. Or so you would think. They have a multitude of career doors opening for them like never before; they have a slowly but surely liberalizing societal system, which doesn’t frown upon love or inter-caste marriages with as much furrows as it did before – so they can choose the man of their dreams; they have an extended family to fall back on in case of help (parents, in laws, or maybe slightly more extended families) despite opting to go nuclear in some cases; they have agencies (some reliable and some maybe not) to help them get all sorts of supplementary help through cooks, drivers, maids, part-time full time hired help and etc, and mushrooming day care centers. With such a support system, you would think Indian women indeed have it all.

And yet, over the years I have seen so many discontented women, broken dreams, guilt-ridden mothers, stressed-and-depressed career women and I’ve wondered where lay the problem. I’ve known successful career women sick to the pits about a bawling baby in a maid’s arms back at home. I’ve known women who have abandoned lucrative careers for the sake of their children, and feeling guilty about “just sitting at home”. I’ve known women in their late thirties spending thousands in fertility clinics and lamenting the fact that they didn’t stop their career juggernaut to have babies, or were too scared to take on the responsibilities. I’ve known mothers struggling with freelance careers in the hope of having it all, but unsatisfied at having ‘nothing’. And I’ve known women who seem to have it all – a fantastic career, wonderful children, and a lovely home, and are so stressed by it all, that given an option, they would take a completely different path!

So where is the problem?

I think it lies in choices and more importantly in compromises. Women while indulging in their dreams forget that they have to make compromises, right from the time they enter into a relationship to when they get married and have children. And they forget that they have to make hard choices, keeping in mind these compromises and most important of all to be happy or teach oneself to be happy with their choices -- compromise-ridden as they might be -- and whether their own or sometimes meted out to them. And above all, not to fret over the ‘what could’ve beens’ because in reality there are no such things, or compare yourselves to other women, because every women and every situation is different.

As to the question if women can have it all, maybe Australian Governor-General Quentin Bryce answered it best with, “You can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time."

What has been your experience? Do you think women can have it all?

Budget In a Marriage

Budgeting, like dieting is something that all of us definitely want to do, because we like the result of it, and also know that it is good for us, but somehow can’t really get down to it, as we get tempted and sidetracked by many other attractions or are simply lazy. But believe me when I say that budgeting is really key to financial health, financial success and financial well-being. And when you get down to it, you’ll find that it is not all that difficult or mind-numbing. And the beauty of it lies in the fact that you jointly get to decide what you want to do with your financial resources and achieve your dreams.

Paper, pen and calculator
First things first. Urge your partner to find time and sit down with pen, paper and calculator and get to work. If you prefer something fancier, you could try out an excel sheet or even perhaps the many budgeting software options on the net. But either way, get down to it. Make the broad categories of fixed household expenses and the odd ones that keep occurring. If you get into too much detail, you might find yourself bogged down by the book-keeping, and if you make too broad categories you might find your money going down a blackhole. So make sure that you find some sort of balance, and don’t forget the smaller stuff, because at the end of the tally, they might be the real culprit for some gaping mismatch in numbers! And if you harbor big dreams -- whether it is building / buying your dream house, going on a dream vacation or the need to spend on an expensive hobby, factor it in and work backwards to see how you can achieve it.
Whether you want to keep a joint account or separate account for your expenses is left to you, but make it clear about who is going to chip in how much and how you really want to structure your financial resources. For this, communication and trust are vital.

Communicate and trust
During all this exercise, it’s vital to keep communication channels open and to trust your better half that he/she is keeping the end of the bargain to maintain the budget. If, on a shopping stint you feel like splurging on something expensive, before you swipe that card, make sure you call your spouse and tell him / her about it, so you can make a joint decision, instead of regretting the impulse later or getting into arguments. If at some point you feel that your wife is spending more for household expenses than a previous month, instead of doubting or distrusting, ask her why.Through this, you will be faithful to your budget as well as build on a relationship rooted in trust. And if you find that your spouse is getting wayward, help him / her stick to it.


Help each other to stick to it
It’s thrilling when we embark on something, especially with a partner, but six months down the line, you might find that it’s not that exciting anymore. It’s the same with a budget, especially ones that come with hard choices. And ever so often, you might find yourself throwing up your hands and saying, “It’s not worth all the trouble,” or just go with your feelings at that point of time. This is when it’s crucial that you support each other and resolve to stick by your plans and commitment.

Like many things in a marriage, budgeting plays an important role that will help you in more ways than you can imagine. It will help to build, and work on trust, open communication, partnership and joint responsibility.

And through this, above all, you’ll be financially secure!

Share your savings story with us

Circle of Love

Here's a toast to friends..
Congratulations to Shrinath who is tying the knot with Sudha on August 27th.

And Ani ,whose found love and taking the plunge with Hiten on August 28th in Mumbai.
Am sure gonna miss your wedding gal!

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig

The circle of love

The engagement. It is a significant and beautiful moment in a couple’s life as they prepare themselves for a bond that will last a lifetime. And at the center of this ceremony is the most important physical element --- the ring, the symbol of promised togetherness for a lifetime. It’s not just a ring. It’s a circle of love. And it means different things to different people.

A promise. It comes in various designs, shapes, sizes and colors, but at the heart of it all, it symbolizes a promise. A promise to stand by your loved one and knowing that your partner will be there for you in return. It gives you a sense of security, because deep down, you know there is a shoulder to lean on in difficult times and that you will play the role of a support, when your loved one needs you. It’s a powerful promise and one that is for keeps.

A circle of life. Like every circle, the ring tells the tale of happiness and sorrow. Like the many cycles in our lives, there will be happy times at the end of sad ones and sad times after happy ones. It is the circle of life, and we cannot escape it. But having that ring on your finger gives you the strength to face the gyrations of life because you know you are not alone; there is someone to celebrate the happy times and share the sad ones. And that alone gives you that little extra courage to face whatever life throws at you with a smile.

Feeling loved. You might be in the midst of the most ordinary chores, perhaps doing the dishes or straightening up your place or perhaps deep in work and suddenly you notice the ring on your finger and a slow smile lights up your face. You know somewhere out there, is a person who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you and the most beautiful part is that you reciprocate the feeling. You sigh and wonder how such a brief and seemingly insignificant moment of looking at your ring could brighten up your day in such a beautiful way! Such is the power of the ring.

And then you finally tie the knot, and the wedding band is placed on your finger. Important and significant as that might be, you continue to feel a strong sense of connectedness and belonging when you look at your engagement ring, because it was the first symbol of a sweet beginning…

So what is your engagement ring story? What does it mean to you?

Fitness in your relationship!

In a previous blog, ‘Build a marriage that helps you both grow’, I had mentioned that doing an activity together is a great way to bring both of you closer and create a beautiful bond that you will come to cherish. Well, one such activity is be fitness – it does not mean that you sign up for a gym right away, it could mean taking dance classes together, going on hiking and trekking trips regularly, getting on a bike, jogging in the neighborhood park or even buying a DIY fitness CD and sweating it out! You don’t need to spend the stipulated 1 hour, which for some might be too tiring, doctors and fitness experts recommend a good 30 minutes workout every day is good enough for health and happiness.

We all know how important fitness is in our lives, and yet we forget, are too lazy, find excuses or simply do not have the time to make it a daily part of our lives. Even if we do, it lasts for a couple of weeks and then fitness takes a backseat once again.

The benefits of exercise
Yes, yes, we all know that exercises are good for us. Even if you do, I would like to reiterate it here, even at the risk of sounding redundant, because I want to emphasize how IMPORTANT it really is. Physical activity also gives a workout to your brain, leaving you happier and more relaxed. Exercises manage your weight, improve your mood, keep diseases at bay, boost your energy levels in the long run, help you sleep better, and also bring a spark to your sex life! Fitness also gives you a toned and ‘fit’ look, boosting your self-esteem and making you more attractive towards your partner.

Make fitness a priority
And yet, we find it hard to get off our ass! We love to find excuses ranging from the weather, to ‘I don’t have the time’, ‘Gyms are too far’ and what nots. But seriously, if I were to ask you to look hard into your day, is it really that difficult to find a 30 minute slot in your day? Of course not! Whether you are a morning person or prefer to exercise in the evening, find a time slot that suits you both and make it a priority in your life. Even if it so happens, that you are a morning jogger and your partner likes to hit the gym in the evening, do it in your time, but encourage each other and support each other in your fitness routine.

Above all, make sure that that time slot is for your fitness routine only, and don’t allow snoozing, coffee with friends, shopping sprees, or any other excuses to creep into that time slot. Would you allow any the above excuses to eat into your office time or any other activity that your consider priority? No! Keep the same set of rules for your fitness too. Because it is priority! Well, it’s going to be from now!

Make it fun
Frankly, working out a regimented routine day in and day out might get boring and even cause muscle fatigue. So, pepper your weekly fitness regime with some fun activities on a regular basis. Throw in a cycling trip, a couple of lap races in the pool, a game of tennis or badminton to break the monotony that might creep in. Remember fitness is not a form of torture, it should be fun! It should be motivating! And it’s a great way of bringing your closer to your partner!

I'd like to hear what you have to say about the role of exercise and fitness in your relationship

Of Girls’ Night Outs and Beer Buddies!

As much as I like spending quiet nights in great companionship or sometimes, a romantic evening and even sometimes ahem….you know what, I also like to take a break from my spouse for an all-girl night out once in a while! I love my ‘girl’ friends and I think it’s necessary to invest my time in their friendship. Spouses are great, (and can make great friends too), but so are friends. And I don’t think you should sacrifice one for the other. It’s true marriage changes your social life in a significant way, but friends are for keeps too! I love a good night of sheer nonsense gossip maybe, or some cerebral discussions or even to share something that’s been worrying me so I get a different perspective.

Guys have their beer buddies and love to spend time with their own sex, there’s something about gender camaraderie which the other sex can never really get right. One of the inequalities or maybe the equalities of life? But certainly a reality. To be respected and given its due.
What do you say?

So next time you feel like you need time out, talk to your spouse in advance and head for your favorite joint with your best girl friends or organize a quick beer-buddy get together at a pub. And don’t feel guilty about neglecting your spouse! It’s normal and even healthy for the relationship.

When was the last time you had a time with your girl friends or beer buddies?
And how did it feel?

Build a marriage that helps you both grow

It’s worthwhile to introspect on your marriage from time to time and ask honest questions like, “Am I feeling suffocated in this relationship?” “Am I growing as person?” “Am I giving my spouse scope for growth?” Being frank and honest while examining these questions will go a long way in helping you assess the true worth of your relationship as well as give each of you an opportunity to set things on the right path.

A marriage that gives you no scope to grow might as well be dead. As human beings, we are not meant to ride on a treadmill like lab rats, deceived by the motion that is not actually getting us anywhere. We need to progress, we need grow, we need constantly learn, we need to thrive and feel alive. A relationship which gives you all of that is worth all its weight in gold.

Here are some ways to help your marriage grow and in turn help you both grow in positive and fruitful ways.

Show love: Once the initial lovey-dovey phase has worn out, we tend to take each other for granted and even forget to show how much we truly love and care for our partner. Make sure that you hug each other every day or call each other during the day or when you are out at work, it shows that you really care. And infuse your relationship with passion, something that we tend to neglect once we get caught up with our work and other commitments in life – a quick, romantic weekend getaway, a candle-lit dinner, a walk in the park hand-in-hand.


Cultivate a hobby together: Don’t restrict your time together to only for watching TV shows or sitting together for a quick bite at breakfast. You might have similar or even different interests; if it is the latter, the stronger the reason to cultivate a hobby together. Through this you will discover each other in different aspects, at the same time investing your time in learning something new, fruitful and satisfying. It could be exercising, dancing, bird-watching, pottery or even reading aloud.


Respect each other: Differences are bound to be there, there will be opinions and opinions, but as long as you respect each other and openly allow and respect that your spouse can have a view totally different, you won’t get too caught up or taken by the fights that ensue. You don’t need to be sacrificial or too territorial about your views; it’s healthy to have differing opinions, and yet at the end of it know that you love and respect your spouse.


Give each other space: Respect and give room to your spouse for his / her other activities, which could be spending time exclusively with or indulging in a hobby that you might not have interest in. It’s important that you give each other that space and time.


Be friends: There’s nothing like have a spouse who is your friend. No matter how your relationship has started, either through passion or through an arranged marriage, there is always time to develop a bond of friendship with your spouse, to be there for your partner, to support and show that you truly care, like you would for a friend.

In what ways has your marriage grown? In what ways have you grown with your marriage?

Stages of a relationship

Shakespeare described the seven stages of man beautifully in his famous poem, similarly every relationship goes through its own set of stages, some relationships tend to skip a stage or two, but all of them typically go through them in some form or another. But unlike Shakespeare’s clearly demarcated stages, the stages in a relationship might not be so clear-cut and defined, and many times they happen so gradually and at a subconscious level, that they are almost imperceptible, and sometimes they can also revert to previous stages. But stages, they definitely go through.

The hunky-dory stage
Also referred to as the honeymoon stage, this is the heady stage when you fall in love with your partner, and everything seems hunky-dory, a stage when you whisper sweet nothings and gaze into each other’s eyes unmindful of other onlookers. This is for some the best stage in a relationship, because you are not really worried about the things that will crop up later and even if you do, you have the conviction that “love will conquer all” because your heart is full of hope for a rosy future.
Alas, like all good things this stage too will come to end, sometimes it can take a few weeks and even sometimes a year or two. But eventually it is not self-sustaining however much you would’ve thought it would be when you initially fell in love. And so you slowly slip into the next stage.

The “reality” stage
The “realistic” stage. A stage when things come down from the so called plane of love to sometimes “harsh” reality. In this stage, you slowly begin to see your partner for what he or she really is – with the positive and negative traits. You might have noticed them in the previous stage, but you always thought love would change him / her – love conquers after all. And when you see that it doesn’t change as easily, arguments erupt, fights break out or you might slip into moodiness or simply withdraw into your own shell as a form of punishment towards your partner.
In this stage the emotionally mature person has a stronger task at hand and will come out as the pillar of the relationship. But if the other person refuses the support, things will begin to get rocky. In this stage it’s important to lay issues out, to talk out openly and maturely and see how the differences can be sorted out.

“What next?” stage
If you’ve managed to tide over the previous stage as two mature individuals and ones who have vowed to rough it out and have sorted out differences, you might enter the stage sometimes also known as “dead zone”. This is the stage when you feel nothing really happens – after the heady love phase and the tempestuous “reality” stage, you enter a dull phase. Usually by now, several years have passed and maybe children have robbed you of your time together. You might still love the person, but the intensity might have diminished and many times there could also develop – subconsciously -- an emotional disconnect.
If this is led to continue for an extended period of time, it might even lead to one of those couples who live a domestically peaceful life, but one that is devoid of any true connection. Some partners seeking something more meaningful might even decided to go seek it elsewhere. On the other hand if you identify this stage for what it represents – the end of the relationship, you can work together to get out of it to get back the spark in your relationship.

True partners
You know you’ve entered this stage when you complement each other in a positive way, truly accept and also respect each other for who you really are, especially in the light of all the stages you’ve been through before. There are times when you might revert to any of the previous stages, but at the same time you also have the confidence that you can overcome them, because you’ve been there before. But come what may, in this stage, you also have the conviction that you are in it together as a team and as true life partners in good times and bad times.

When you look back into the story of your own relationship, can you recognize these stages and how you dealt with them? And where do you think your relationship stands now?