Resolutions for your Marriage, 2011

‘What’s the point of a marriage if you have to ‘work at it’? You get together because you love each other and then you just go on.’ Right? Wrong.

When you see life with rose-tinted glasses, you would probably believe in the above, but married a few years, you realize that things are not as rosy or simple and that ‘working at it’ is required. (Read: Stages of a Relationship). And many years down the line, you realize that it is indeed ‘hard work’.

But don’t get me wrong, it is not ‘hard’ hard work; the hard work can be fun too! It’s like working hard towards achieving something: climbing a hill to enjoy the beautiful view, working at a painting and sitting back and enjoying it when it’s on the wall or any of the activities where the journey – hard as it may seem sometimes, is as beautiful as the end.

It’s the same kind of hard work in a marriage. Here’s an idea, why don’t you start by making your New Year resolutions as a couple! Sit down together, brain storm about your marriage goals for the year, write it down and revisit the list throughout the year to stay on course!

Here are some tips:

1. What do you want in your marriage this year?

You probably would have discussed about your ideas of marriage before getting married, but it’s always good to revisit these ideas. And now it’s time to be specific. What is it specifically that you would like to do this year to get closer to your idea of marriage? Go on dates more often? Have late night chats every week? Start a hobby together? Go on a dream vacation? Or perhaps start a family? Even if some ideas seem out of reach at the moment, don’t discount them; give them a fair hearing, put them out on the table, that’s what this brainstorming session is all about.

2. Be specific.

If a holiday is on that list for both of you this year, break it into smaller goals, maybe how much money you would have to save every month for it, or who is going to take charge of the bookings and other arrangements? Or schedule your work life keeping the dates in mind. Make sure your break down your resolutions into specific workable goals.

3. Re-visit your goals.

It’s easier said than done. It’s easy to get everything on paper, but not quite as easy when it comes to honoring it. To help you stick to your goals, take a printout of the list and stick it on the wall or the fridge – any common place. That way you get to see it every day and it’s somewhere in the periphery of your consciousness. You’ll find this method helps, especially when our days get increasingly crammed with hundreds of activities.

4. Hold each other accountable.

Make sure your resolution has someone assigned to each activity. That way, you know who is doing what and also who is slipping up. If you see your partner slacking, point it out to her and help her stay on course.

5. Enjoy the fruits.

At the heart of this list, remember the journey should be as enjoyable as the goal. Make sure the activities don’t become arduous, enjoy the journey. And if you feel that at some point it is becoming burdensome, talk to your partner about it.

And remember, honor your resolution!

'LOL’ in your Marriage

‘My partner should have a sense of humor’ – how many times have you heard or read this line when friends or people list out what they are looking for in a partner? Many, if not most times is my guess. Maybe it’s something that you too have been secretly looking for, perhaps without expressing it consciously.

Ever wondered why?

Because deep down we are seekers of happiness…and laughter. And we tend to look for that kind of quality in our partners too. Even if we sometimes appear as a rather ‘serious’ person to others, the one quietly laughing at jokes rather than cracking them, we crave for that light moment, or someone to create it.

In my experience, marriages that have lightness and laughter are the ones that tend to last. The just-quarreled couple who can crack up when in anger a partner realizes that he is reading the newspaper upside down, or a partner who bangs her head at the door while storming out after a spat. Or laugh hard when the baby passes wind while you’re powdering her, despite the many sleepless nights. Or burst out loud when in the middle of a tender moment late at night, a nosy neighbor knocks at your door for a cup of sugar!

Many times we tend to get ‘serious’ after marriage and even more after kids, because of the so-called responsibilities that suddenly find their way into our lives. But deep down we are yet craving for our care-free selves and the many laughter-filled days. And that’s what we tend to look for in a partner, someone to lighten the sometimes tedious journey. You may be the one cracking the jokes or you may be the one who sits at the ringside and laughs, either way, both of you are looking for that one thing – humor.

Yes, marriage like most of life is filled with joyous times and difficult ones, but if couples can find that lighter moment in the darkest of times (and you’ll see you’ll find it easier, when you work at it as partners), then you are likely to find the source of strength that can carry you through. So next time you have a spat, bring in humor and see what a healthy change it can make!

Share you lighter and funny moments with us!

Long Marriages

Long marriages

When a friend’s grandparents celebrated 50 years of their marriage, there was no big party or a fancy exchanging of vows. It was a simple affair. All the family members (the ones that really cared) came together and they had a lovely get together to commemorate the coming of two much loved souls. Two souls who were never perfect for each other, but stuck it out…during happy days and sad ones, angry days and sulky ones.

Grandfather was moody and prone to bursts of terrible rage, my friend being at the receiving end many times and grandmother was much ahead of her times in her thinking and even broke many protocols by working as a teacher, then as a principal of a school and even getting a PhD. Sadly she was never really ‘appreciated and understood’ for who she really was, because grandfather wanted someone to only cook and look after him and the children, like most men of his generation.

When my friend asked her grandmother, “Ajji 50 years, but how did you stick on? You being you?” She replied, “The secret lies in laughing. Nowadays I see so many young couples going to marriage counselors only few years into their marriage or even divorcing without giving the marriage some time. You should give each other time. And I think people take this marriage thing too seriously. Take it lightly. Even when your grandfather used to make fun of my ambitions, I accepted it lightly and told myself that it’s the way he is. It doesn’t mean that the marriage worked because I tried and changed my outlook, even your grandfather did his bit. He worked on his anger and chipped in to look after the kids, because his wife worked too -- something very few men of his generation did.”

And when my friend asked her grandfather about the long marriage, he gave a short laugh and replied in a few words, “I took a wow before god that I would look after her. And that’s what I’m doing.” Simple.

I’m closing in on six years of my marriage and time has slipped by like a dream. It’s a milestone worth celebrating. We’ve both changed in many ways to adjust to each other even as we continue to love and respect each other.

So, what do you think is the secret of long marriages?

Is Our Society Child Friendly?

Before I had my child, I had read and heard about the sacrifices new parents have to make for the just-arrived member in the family. And I always thought that people made too much of a deal about it, after all, how could you grudge, deny time or even get bugged about such a cute little new member. And my philosophy was quite simple and straightforward – first show them who’s boss and then just integrate them in your adult life.

Needless to say, a LOT of my thinking changed when my daughter arrived. Nothing, nothing could’ve prepared me for the sacrifices! Of course when you are 60 and you look back, sacrificing a couple of years will not seem as big a deal, but when you are in the middle of your time, steeped in your career, finding your groove in the larger scheme of things, it does seem like a big deal. But that’s for another blog. This blog is about children and how I feel our society is increasingly becoming intolerant of them.

To begin with, our shifting attitude towards children. The Indian society, where children were a natural consequence of marriage, is giving way to couples who are postponing and even deciding not to have children. “Too much responsibility”, “They’ll ruin our freedom”, “Financial burden”, or “Later, not now”, when later never really happens.

At a recent party, which also had several chidlren, a lady told me, “There’s just too much noise and running around when it comes to children. I find it very disturbing.” And one frustrated parent told me that a school denied her child admission because she was born in a certain month, which made her ineligible through age! “Do I have to start planning children based on which school I want them to study in?!” She exclaimed.

And maybe, just maybe all this is leading to our civic and extended society, not considering children in the larger scheme of things. How else would your explain shrinking open spaces for children and adults alike to enjoy or the poorly managed parks? Or the fact that there are not enough movies that are suitable for chidlren. A friend of mine recently complained to me how her weekend movies have been drastically curtailed, because many of the movies were not appropriate for children – to vulgar with crass jokes, she explained. Most restaurants are not child-friendly, have you noticed how they bump into the corner of the table! The places are cramped and kids begin to get cranky quickly, ruining what you thought would be lovely evening spent with friends. And even if you take them to a friend’s place for dinner (who you’ll find out later do not have a child-friendly house), you are more worried about what they’ll ruin – maybe spill something on the plush sofa or the ‘expensive’ carpet or scribble on the wall, that you are far too worried to really enjoy the evening! The ubiquitous malls and shopping centers are definitely not child-friendly, despite the ‘fun centers’ --- for one, the crowd really puts them off and once they sense you’re shopping, their tantrums begin!

So where do you take your kids, here I am talking about places where you both can enjoy as parent and child and how do you integrate them into your so-called adult world, even as people and spaces begin to show their intolerance?

Have you experienced intelorance towards children? Share your experience.

The Deeper Connection

I think sex is overrated. I mean I know how important it is in our lives and all that, but I think it’s getting more than its fair share of importance in society today. Even around a decade back it was a hush-hush topic met with shy smiles, lowered eye-lids and rose-tinted cheeks, but in today’s generation a simple act of crossing legs or licking lips has taken on a whole new meaning.

It’s a sexually charged society that we live in and I think marriages need to go beyond that.
Ok, admit that sex plays an anchor-like role in a marriage, but there’s so much more to a marriage than sex alone, so many tactile things that give you quiet satisfaction and send a wave of warmth through the body. While for men, it’s the closest they feel to their spouse, it’s not the same with women always, who fake interest and even orgasms to satisfy their husbands, whom they love. But for a more satisfying and deeper relationship, couples need to be tuned to each other’s needs, know what brings on that soft purr of contentment, makes you sigh with deep satisfaction or fills your heart with warm love. Here are some ways to get you closer and make that deeper connection:

A hug a day

An act of a few seconds, but packed with a whole lot of meaning, a hug says what a hundred words can’t. It gives reassurance just to feel each others heart beats and soft breaths as you lock in embrace. A powerful way to express love and to show how much you care.

A shoulder massage

Nothing like getting a massage after a hard day’s work. Soft hands kneading your over-stressed shoulders can be wonderful feeling. Also an act that says ‘I know and appreciate all the hard work you’re doing and here’s my way of acknowledging and repaying it’.

A foot scrub

A few minutes in warm water and a foot massage can rejuvenate you in an instant.
Do it for your spouse and see their eyes light up.
Run your fingers through hair
While sitting and watching your favorite show, just run your fingers through your spouse’s hair like a large tooth-comb. A soothing feeling that’ll make your spouse settle back with a deep sigh of satisfaction.

Look into my eyes

“I hate it when I talk to my husband and he continues to watch TV or go through the newspaper while saying ‘I’m listing, go on.’” My friend used to tell me. It’s annoying and disrespectful. Mute the sound, put down the newspaper or the gardening tool or whatever else you are doing and make eye-contact with your spouse when he or she is talking. It adds ever so much to a relationship. It says I respect you and what you are saying.

Do small physical acts play a role in your relationship? Share them.

The Changing Man?

In my last post I talked about what men want; in this post my friends ask myself, ‘But where are the MEN?’ I mean, where are the ‘men’ men? Really!

As teenagers we all fantasized the bulging bicep guy -- who bragged about lifting logs, with rough rugged looks – the likes of handsome Afghans maybe, and a careless swagger – like the eye-patched pirates. One would dream of being swept off my feet in his strong, yet caring arms, and revel in the ‘safe-from-the-word’ feeling.

Now as a wiser and less dreamy 30-something they all look around and don't see anyone.
Where are the machos? Where are the MEN? Suddenly they’ve turned into these mushy and sensitive guys.

As I dug deeper into this subject, I found out that men are becoming so called ‘feminine’ owing to a combination of several factors. The most important one being the liberalization of women and the fact that women don’t necessarily look for masculinity in a man these days. With women breaking the glass ceiling in many spheres as well as enjoying financial security (by their own means and hard work) women have stopped looking for the erstwhile qualities, read masculinity, money and the security it brings with it. What they look for in men include child-rearing qualities, as support to their emancipation as well as a man who can be useful around the house and support their wife’s ambitions.

The Wall Street Journal in an article titled: "Why Women Don't Want Macho Men" says that "Women are no longer reliant on a man's genes or jobs to ensure the health and wealth of their children, women may come to value other qualities in a mate. It may become evolutionarily adaptive to prefer men who are co-operative, communicative, caring and better parents over traditional 'manly men."

So…what do you guys think?

What Men Want

It’s so hard to find a Man these days. A man-man you know?! Exclaimed a young friend of mine. She’s been dating for a while, but things haven’t yet ‘settled’ for her. So what is it you’re looking for? I ask her. Tall, handsome, strong. Someone who’s not afraid of crying, someone who really, ‘understands’ me. Someone who’s macho, but at the same time who can cook and look after the kids and hold me when I cry while am watching Serendipity without feeling awkward! She trailed off…

A rather tall order! I thought to myself. My friend apart, it got me thinking about what men really want. And here’s what I could come up with.

Mama’s boys. They are not called mama’s boys for nothing. Macho as they would like to portray themselves, men look for motherly qualities in women, and if something resembles their own mother, then they’ll definitely go for the relationship.
On the same note, men like femininity. But not necessarily the women who walk on the ramp, and are stick thin. They like a woman who can look sensuous in a sari or the slight ding dong swishes when a woman walks by.

Men like it short and sweet. We all know how different the two sexes are when it comes to emotions. They like to play it direct and in as little words as possible, while women tend to make it really, really complicated. It’s just that they’re wired that way. So if you want to sustain a relationship, keep all the raving and ranting and the tears for the all-girls’ party, and play it simple and direct with your man (that’s the language he understands best).
Women tend to look for a man who can ‘support’ them. It’s no different for a man, even though they might show otherwise. Women who support their man in his career, in his behavior or on any of his activities are more likely to sustain a strong relationship.

Men need to feel secure and want commitment. Experiences in your dating life might have been different. You see men changing girlfriends as quickly as their shirts. But when they are ready to settle down, they look for commitment. They want to share a home, a life.

Men don’t want to be alone. It’s a basic human tendency. We all need someone to be there for us, to love us, support us and take care of us. Despite their egos and what nots, deep down, they don’t want to be alone.

In my next post I’ll discuss the ‘changing man’.

But for now, tell me what you think men want. And I would love to hear from the MEN!