Seek out the people who seek you

I would like to continue from my previous blog “Why can’t I find someone?”

It’s strange how sometimes you find yourself in the trap of: those you seek don’t want you or you don’t want the people who seek you! Strange isn’t it. So, are you attracting the wrong people or maybe you’re attracted to the wrong people. 

Now when you look closely at this conundrum, ask yourself, “What can I do about it?”

Well, the first thing is to be one list of the people who want you and steer clear from the people who you don’t want. Easier said than done? So how do you do it?

Most often, we would try and change the person who we like or seek, and who probably doesn’t share the same feelings. We would argue with him/her and try and convince him/her why we’re the best and why we’re made for each other, etc. But oh, it’s so futile! 

Trying to change someone is like trying to change the color of the sky. 

It’s impossible. Accept the fact; it can’t be done. 

But what you can do is change yourself. Change your thinking. Most importantly, change the idea of who you think your ideal partner should be. 

But hey, not every guy can earn a fat salary and not every woman is slim, fair and beautiful! Many times we would think that a person of a certain status, certain looks or earnings or having the perfect figure might be the ONE. You could show off the person amongst your friends and peers and feel good about it and society will say, “Oh, what a perfect couple they make!” But is that really it? Will that make you truly happy? 

When I was helping Rashmi (name changed) find a partner, we got into a discussion. Here was this guy who was the VP at a large global company, who had the looks and the social status and the money, but she wasn’t sure if he was truly interested in her, because he “Talked about himself and his achievements all the time,” said Rashmi. On the other hand, there was this guy, who was simple and average , but he was warm and made her feel nice made her laugh and he was genuinely interested in her.  

But Rashmi was pursuing the VP, because he was the ideal partner she had mind. Suave and sophisticated and one she could show off to her friends and she thought she could eventually be happy with him. But the problem was he wasn’t as interested in her; he was more interested in himself.

So, I asked her, “Does he make you feel happy?” she was hesitant. And I knew why, because the heart doesn’t crave qualifications and credentials, it wants true connections. 

I advised her to seek the man who was genuinely interested in her and ditch the man she thought was ideal for her.

Yes, sometimes, changing your own perceptions or preconceived image about the ideal partner might open doors to happiness you never imagined.  

Do you agree? Share your thoughts.

Why can’t I find someone?

When I met Deepa (name changed) for the first time, the first question
I asked myself, being a match-maker notwithstanding was, “How come she
hasn’t found anyone yet?” And the first question she asked me was the
same: “Why can’t I find someone?” She was smart, beautiful and
sweet-natured, in short a very marriageable person. And yet, here she
was, unmarried and in her late thirties.
In the years following my first meeting with Deepa, I have
increasingly come across men and women, who seem most eligible, and
yet ask me this question: Why can’t I find someone? You sure can,
especially in a land of 1.2 billion people! You just have to look in
the right direction and be a little bit open about willing to find
that someone and also be ready to change your perception of love,
dating, and marriage.
I keep telling my clients, if you want to find someone, you have to
first a) be open to dating and meeting people and not dismiss someone
because he’s too short of she wears specks; and b) be willing to
change your perception about marriage; even as people want to get
married, very often, and at the back of their mind, they find marriage
stifling.
For dating and meeting new people, you have to first be open and more
importantly, patient. The prince/princess on a white horse is only a nice
dream, now wake up and smell the coffee. Be open and ‘no’ it’s not a
show of desperation if you’re seeking someone. It’s only natural. And
if you’re going to be neutral in your attitude, your prince might
never show up. Be proactive. And more important, be ready to work at
it. If someone is being nice to you in the office, respond to the
niceness. Make an effort. If a decent guy gives you a phone number or
asks for yours at a bar, don’t be shy. More importantly, don’t judge
the person on your first date, tempting and easy as it may be. Give
each other some time. Don’t give up easily.
Now, coming to marriage, just because your cousin or your aunt is
unhappy with his or her married life, doesn’t mean you’re not meant
for marriage. Some people, while they want to get married, argue that
marriage can be a constraint. Women feel that they might be at the
mercy of the demands of their husbands and in-laws, while men might
argue that they don’t want to think twice if they want to spend
evenings out with friends or like the idea of someone else staking
claim on their hard earned money.
If you’re going to find faults with marriage, or find it unpleasant,
it’s unlikely you’re ever going to find anyone to marry. On the other
hand, marriage is not a bed of roses either. There will be thorns, but
if you and your spouse can mind these thorns or even be ready to pluck
them out, it can be all the good things you want it to be. But yes, it
needs work. And yes, from both parties.
So now when someone asks me, “Why can’t I find someone?” I say, “I can
find you someone provided you help me by being open to meeting new
people and by focusing on all the great things that marriage be.

Share your thoughts!

Does marriage still matter? It does!

Till a few years back, it was the only passport into society as
someone respectable and responsible, but today, marriage is a choice
for many, society notwithstanding. Parents can’t force you, live-in is
fairly acceptable, society will not pass a harsh judgment on you,
friends will still stand by your side and relatives, barring the mean
aunt or a staunch grandparent won’t wag their tongues.

So, do you still want to get married? Is marriage still important? Or
is it out of fashion?

Well, yes. In my experience as a match-maker, I come across many young
people and even middle-aged people still wanting to get married,
despite the relative freedom that society now bestows. Strange, isn’t
it? Even as society and people are getting more and more tolerant and
accepting towards all kinds of people and relationships, marriage
continues to hold its ground. Why?

It’s not the stigma of being single, which is no longer a stigma; it’s
not ‘all my friends are married, that’s why I want to too’ or it’s not
even the fear of growing old alone. It’s more the feeling of belonging
to someone. Homeless or country-less people feel unsettled, they want
to belong to a place, a community and will go to great lengths to get
it. They want to be ‘accepted’ by someone, some place or some
community. Deep down it stems from the human nature of collective
living, of protecting each other and looking out, and after each other
and caring for each other.
 
Bring that same feeling to a micro level and you have the institution
of marriage. At the end of the day, you want to go back to a home; you
want to go back to someone. There is something comforting and warm
about, that nothing else can replace. Even as we are egoistic and
attach a lot of importance to ‘I’, we need the ‘We’, whatever ‘we’ it
maybe – a country, a community or a family and like you have something
that certifies that you are a citizen of a place or a community, the
institution of marriage, whether by a piece of paper or a ceremonial
‘I do’ gives you that certificate.

So, if you’re married, count your blessings, love more and criticize
less, accept your differences and lend empathy and care. Don’t forget
to tell your spouse now and then how much you love her or him. If you
are single, despite all that you hear about marriage and its
difficulties and the compromises you’ve to make, let me assure you,
marriage is still a beautiful thing.  And no, it will never go out of
fashion.

Share your thoughts on the institution of marriage.

Get Physical!

Not sex, silly! What I mean is get physical by doing an activity
that’s physically demanding! But do it together. Run, swim, hike,
bike, climb, skate, play badminton, gym, dance… Anything that makes
your heart beat race, exhausts you, aches your muscles, but in the end
satisfies you. I know of a few couples who do the Nike run training
together,  do yoga, or make sure they go hiking every few weeks. And
let me tell you, they have great fun doing it together!

Such activities bring you and your spouse closer in more ways that you
can imagine. You understand each other’s body limits and become more
supportive, encouraging and caring; you’re doing an activity that is
different from your normal routine, which helps you bond because it’s
fun and adventurous; because you’re both going through physically
challenging experiences you bond at a different level, this helps you
respect each other’s physicality too; you’ll understand your spouse’s
sportsman spirit. In game of badminton or tennis, you’ll learn to lose
gracefully or encourage each other. But above all, you’ll have fun!
It’s great fun to race your spouse whether on a track or in the pool,
it brings back fond memories of school and college days, only now
you’re not competing with friends but with your partner!

Sport has a unique and unifying element! It brings people from all
regions, races and color together. It speaks a language that everyone
can understand. And it can do wonders for relationship too! It’s fun,
it’ll help you come closer to your spouse and boost your health!

So, go get physical! Go run, dance, sail, skate, play, swim, bike, hike...

Have you and your spouse indulged in physical activities together?
Share your experience with us!

What would you truly enjoy doing in 2013?

So is your 2013 resolutions list out yet? Frankly, I’m not much of a
resolutions person. While I like the idea of it, I don’t like that in
practice it generally fades off by February. And come June, it’s long
forgotten and come December, I feel lousy about myself for not having
kept at it! So I generally avoid it.

But I do like the idea of it. And I find that, especially in
relationships, resolutions and frequent revisiting of resolutions
really help.

So, here’s something that you can do this year. Forget the long list.
Just do this. Fill in this blank: I think doing ______ in 2013 would
be fantastic.  And fill it three or five times. So now you have top
three or five things you’d like to do this year. Ask your spouse to do
the same. And, please, no cheating. Once done, compare your list.

You might be surprised by what comes out of it! Maybe out of your own
list, especially when you begin to truly introspect and even
prioritize things that you want to do, and maybe that of your spouse!
You might go, ‘Really? I didn’t know you enjoyed doing that! or, I
always thought that was a passing fad, and didn’t know it was
something you were serious about!’

Either way, it’s a great way to get done the things you truly enjoy
doing, discover new things and even maybe secret interests of your
spouse. This is also a great opportunity for both of you to be truly
supportive and encouraging of one another’s passions and interests.
This understanding works as a solid foundation for lasting
relationships. We’re so often focused on what ‘we’ want, what ‘we’ are
interested in that we tend to neglect our spouse’s feelings. This
effort towards supporting and understanding each other will truly pave
the way for a solid relationship.

So, get started! And go fulfill your dreams this 2013!

Are you losing your friends after marriage?

Do you find yourself losing some of your friends or friends circle
after marriage? You’re not alone. Remember the Friends’ episode where
Monica and Chandler want to hang out with married couples, rather than
Phoebe and Joey? Or take the latest rumour of Jessica Biel and Justin
Timberlake, who might be having trouble already, having married hardly
a few weeks, because she wants him to cut ties with his hard-partying
friends. Sounds familiar? It’s not uncommon.
The first few weeks after marriage can be overwhelming, even if you’ve
lived-in with your partner before getting married. Suddenly you’re
dealing with whole new situations, relatives and routines. All the
while coping with your regular job and the sudden increase in chores,
etc. And more importantly dealing with the harsh reality that marriage
is not always a bed of roses. So, it’s quite natural that you don’t
have time for your friends. Yes, the same ones who you would drop
everything for, in their times of need, suddenly get relegated to the
back with a, “Oh, they’ll understand. They’re my friends after all.”
In fact, they don’t. And the rifts start right there. They’re coping
with the gap in their lives too, knowing that things will never be the
same again, while you’re coping with that and a lot more!
Change is not always easy, unfortunately it is inevitable, especially
after marriage, but it can be softened around the edges if you take
some measures beforehand.
Before the big day, talk to your close friends, and discuss how things
will not be the same again. Also tell them that it’s likely that
you’ll choose your spouse over them, in situations. Empathize with
them and tell them that you consider the friendship really important
and that you are keen to make it work. Also have a frank and open chat
with your spouse and tell him / her how important your friends are to
you and that you’re keen to keep something of if, even after the
marriage. Here are a few more tips:
•       Make a schedule to meet-up with your friends regularly. Stay true to
it. Mark it on your calendar.
•       Take  regular trips with your friends.
•       Be open and frank with your friends and spouse. If things are not
going well, bring out in the open. Talk it out, don’t let it fester.
•       If your friends are not in the same town, stay in touch through
emails or Facebook and phone calls. Make a schedule to chat up every
once in a while.
Would you like to add to these tips? What measures have you taken to
keep your friendship going, after your marriage? Share your
experiences with us.

Cultivate Chastity in your relationship

Threesomes. Couple swapping.  Sex romps. We live in a highly
sexualized world, and are constantly bombarded with sexual content and
sexual innuendos. So much so, that we think chastity is boring, old
fashioned; it’s for old people. You’re not considered ‘in’ or ‘mod’ if
you think chastity is important in today’s world and for today’s
marriages.

But, you’ll be surprised to know, it is. Maybe chastity had a big role
to play in marriages of the previous generation, which lasted a full
life time. Maybe the lack of it has a big part to play in today’s
failing marriages.

 So, where does chastity stand today and how can it help relationships?

Sex plays a big part in marriage, and when it is coupled with
chastity, it becomes even more special. Sex then becomes an intimate
part of us that is reserved only for us, making it that much more
special. It brings in more attractiveness because it’s exclusive for
us; it brings in more intimacy because it’s something truly special.
It’s is not a power play anymore, it’s not a manipulative game; it’s
not a self-centered activity. On the other hand, it is liberated and
it brings in togetherness and creates an extraordinary bond of
friendship, companionship and mutual respect.

When our sexual thoughts and desires are fixed only on our spouse, we
naturally disregard any sexual thoughts that emanate from others, and
this strengthens our bond. If we let chastity guide us in other parts
our lives including the people we socialize with, the movies and TV
programs that we choose to watch, the books that we decide to read,
you’ll notice how it all plays a beautiful part in a more purposeful
life that is centered around creating fulfilling relationships, with
our spouse and children and the community at large.

When we begin to practice chastity, it beings to extend and touch upon
all aspects of our relationship and life. We begin to respect and
connect with our spouse at a deeper level, we react more calmly, we
can empathize with our spouse and trust becomes a strong and
unshakable part of our relationship.

If you thought chastity was passé, think again. Cultivate it in your
life and you’ll see the difference it makes to your relationship and
to your life overall.