That thing called LOVE

As the big V day approaches, I've been doing some of my own thinking

about love, or rather the process of falling in love, that initial

feeling of falling in love. In this age of speed and consumerism,

everyone wants to fall in love quickly, they want to be accepted

quickly, they want to feel the heart skip a beat, only as lovers feel

when their eyes meet, but they want quickly. They have no time, they

don't want to wait.

But falling in love takes its own sweet time. It's like wine, you

can't rush it to age, it. You have to let it be, letting the compounds

intermingle gently and modify the aromas to yield a sweet and complex

mix of flavors, all in its own stillness and time.

Whatever happened to falling in love slowly? Letting yourself sink

into it, without offering any resistance? Enjoying and savoring every

moment? After all, knowing each other doesn't happen overnight. It

takes days, nay years, revealing characteristics and nuances ever so

slowly, just like the wine that releases its heady flavors ever so

slowly

.

The beginning is always beautiful, because it holds promises untold.

We imagine a life together, traveling, having children, building our

nest. We tend to magnify all the great qualities of our lover, maybe

the way 'she made me feel' or 'the way he cracks me up' or the way 'he

always makes me feel so secure'. The power of love enables you to

choose and feel chosen. It makes you feel special, unique, wanted; it

makes you make someone feel special. It complements you and protects

you from feeling alone.

So I'd like to advise the lovers out there, don't be in a rush. Enjoy

the first slow decent into this madness called love, because it is

indeed a little bit fou, as the French would say. ''There is always

some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness"

said Friedrich Nietzsche, or as the Spanish poet and dramatist once

said, "Love that is not madness is not love."

It's this slow pace that will help create a deep bond and a strong

root, holding you in good stead in tougher times, times when maybe you

won't be able to even tolerate each other, because indeed such times

will come. Then, you can lean back and take sustenance from this

resilient bond that binds you, no matter what, because this bond was

created slowly, over time, in the days that you first fell in love

with each other. Slowly.

Happy Valentine's Day, folks!

Feels go to be on a National daily. Thank you to everyone!

http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-features/tp-metroplus/article5657915.ece

Make the connection

PREETI ZACHARIAH

Nandini Nawle of Marrygold helps bring today’s urban, educated, travelled man and woman together

Make me a perfect matchNandini Nawle

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play,” once crooned the Beatles. Easy or not, people continue to want to play this game according to Nandini Nawle of Marrygold, a matchmaking service for today’s Indian. “They want to fall in love because the act of choosing and being chosen is given to you,” she says.

Matchmaking is something that Nandini, a former HR professional and self-confessed people lover has always enjoyed doing, “I’ve been doing it unofficially for a long time now, “she says. People would ask me to introduce them to someone interesting and I would do so,” she says adding, “I love people and find them fascinating. I’ve always enjoyed observing them and because I’m intuitive it doesn’t take me long to understand them which makes it easy for me to get together like minded ones.”

She started Marrygold in 2006, “The name comes from the flower marigold, which is an integral part of the Indian wedding,”she remarks. “And it is such a bright, positive symbol, isn’t it?”

Marrygold, a personalized, offline, matchmaking service carters particularly to today’s urban, educated, travelled Indian, “We are a very niche website that goes beyond caste, language, community, history, or horoscope. Instead we spend time with our clients, understand them as a human being and try to bring like minded ones together. You need to be able to open up and share life on the grounds important to you,” she says.

Recently Marrygold has also started organizing events for singles in which singletons with similar interests are encouraged to meet over interesting activities, “Bangalore is a small city and there are few platforms for people to come out and meet. Events such as these help bring people together and this may lead to something interesting,” says Nandini.

In addition to pairing single people, Nandini is a certified yoga teacher, inner child therapist, massage therapist, practices holistic reflexology and uses these skills to better the service she offers. On future plans, she says, “I want to take this to other cities such as Bombay, Delhi and Chennai. I want more people to be open to coming out and meeting more people. I am also trying to introduce the concept of slow romance. People need to be able to spent quality time and understand each other better before jumping into a commitment.”

Marrygold Matchmake

Freedom in your marriage -The Independence Weekend

It’s been eight years since I got married and I took my first solo trip this year. It was not to commemorate Independence day or to assert my independence, or anything like that; it just happened to fall on the Independence weekend. I did have a fantastic time (below are the pictures www.lazyhills.com of my trip) and it also got me thinking about freedom in marriage.

Do we have freedom after marriage? 
Freedom to pursue our interests and passions? 
Or do compromises take it all away?

I know of a lot of people who are scared that marriage spells the end of freedom, no more late nights, no more beer parties, no more all girls’ night outs! Apart from these rather frivolous things, many even give up their dreams and passions, because they think it does not gel with their partner or fit into the new marital routine.

But have you talked about it with your partner? Have you sold the idea or pitched it rightly, as they say? You know, there’s a time, a place and a way to talk about these things…these things that are so important to you. And you must.

If you’re really passionate about something or want to live with more passion, then heed Yoda, who says, “Do or do not…there is no try”.

Often partners imagine what their spouse will say about something that’s out of the domestic or marital routine. It’s like they’ve made up their minds about how their partner will react and even put imaginary words into their mouth. “My wife! She’ll freak if she hears of this! No way, I can do it!” Or, “No, it’s not possible. I know him. He would never allow it!”

But have you really tried? Have you spelt it out? Have you told your partner how important it is to you?

I would say, stop guessing and start communicating! You will never know your partner’s true reaction unless you ask or communicate, or as I mentioned earlier pitch it in the right way and at the right time ;-).

While in reality you do have to make compromises in marriage, it need not spell the end of your dreams and passions. All you have to do is communicate. I know of a couple, both travel enthusiasts who take turns to travel, so one parent can manage their kid’s routine, unless they travel as a family!

Even as our Independence day is over, freedom can and does prevail in marriage. Only, you’ve to make the effort and find the balance to make that freedom work for both of you!

Share your freedom stories!

Pleasures and pains of solitariness

Interiors of the Tree house

Kotagiri hills

Lazy Hills , Kotagiri

Lazy Hills,Kotagiri

Gazebo-Lazy hills,Kotagiri www.lazyhills.com

Build a stronger marriage and your kids benefit.

Sometimes, in marriage, all goes fine till the kids come along. It’s
sad but true. I’ve known of couples divorcing after the kids came
along, because the marriage didn’t make sense anymore or they just
stopped getting along. I’ve also known of couples drifting apart and
finally divorcing once the kids were grown and had moved on, because
there was nothing to hold them together during the empty nest period.
Isn’t it ironic? You marry because you love each other
 and also, in most cases, to have a family of your own. And the
‘family’ itself becomes the source of your rift? How did it every get
to be that way? And does it have to be that way?

No!

Of course once the kids come along A LOT does change. Most of your
time, if not already taken up by your regular office work and house
chores, etc., is now eaten up by your kids! Everything begins to
revolve around them! Their bedtime, meal times, play dates, homework
and the list goes on! And what suffers? Your marriage. You might not
even notice how your marriage slowly but gradually gets pushed to the
corner, until it gets confined there and becomes more and more
insignificant, and sometimes until a spouse has breakdown and sadly,
too late for damage control.

But it need not be that way. You can make both work beautifully with
some planning and some effort. And interestingly, research shows that
kids too benefit greatly if couples spend more quality time with each
other. It’s so simple that you’ll be surprised you didn’t think of it
earlier. The more quality time you spend with each other, the more
positive and happier you become; this in turn reflects on the entire
family.

And it’s not that hard to steal some ‘couple time’. Yes, even with
kids, office work, et al.

•       Cuddle and hug each other and no it’s not odd to do it in front of
children. On the other hand, seeing this demonstration of love will
only strengthen your bond as a family and children will grow up as
strong, loving and caring adults. Isn’t it beautiful for children to
see their moms and dads ‘in love’? Steal moments together, before the
kids wake up and before you turn to your cuppa or the newspaper. Make
sure you hug or plant a kiss, when you say bye at the door. If the
kids are asleep or are busy with their homework, try and spend that
time together.

•       Tell your children that moms and dads have to also spend some time
together alone. Hire a baby sitter or drop them off at your parents’
or friends, or relatives’ house for a romantic dinner. If that’s
difficult, try and squeeze in lunch date every once in a while.

•       Even on your family time together, see how you can make it a
‘marriage time’ too. When you take the kids to the park to play, steal
some quiet moments at the bench, while you watch your kids, or if you
have help to monitor them, hold hands and take a short walk around the
park. When you help kids with their project homework, involve your
partner so you can spend some time together.

•       When you find some time to yourselves, skip the TV, instead cuddle
or just talk. TV time is not couple time; instead it’s just the
opposite, because you’re not focusing on each other, but on the TV.

We’d love to hear from you! How do you make ‘marriage time’ after the
kids have come along? Share you tips.

Seek out the people who seek you

I would like to continue from my previous blog “Why can’t I find someone?”

It’s strange how sometimes you find yourself in the trap of: those you seek don’t want you or you don’t want the people who seek you! Strange isn’t it. So, are you attracting the wrong people or maybe you’re attracted to the wrong people. 

Now when you look closely at this conundrum, ask yourself, “What can I do about it?”

Well, the first thing is to be one list of the people who want you and steer clear from the people who you don’t want. Easier said than done? So how do you do it?

Most often, we would try and change the person who we like or seek, and who probably doesn’t share the same feelings. We would argue with him/her and try and convince him/her why we’re the best and why we’re made for each other, etc. But oh, it’s so futile! 

Trying to change someone is like trying to change the color of the sky. 

It’s impossible. Accept the fact; it can’t be done. 

But what you can do is change yourself. Change your thinking. Most importantly, change the idea of who you think your ideal partner should be. 

But hey, not every guy can earn a fat salary and not every woman is slim, fair and beautiful! Many times we would think that a person of a certain status, certain looks or earnings or having the perfect figure might be the ONE. You could show off the person amongst your friends and peers and feel good about it and society will say, “Oh, what a perfect couple they make!” But is that really it? Will that make you truly happy? 

When I was helping Rashmi (name changed) find a partner, we got into a discussion. Here was this guy who was the VP at a large global company, who had the looks and the social status and the money, but she wasn’t sure if he was truly interested in her, because he “Talked about himself and his achievements all the time,” said Rashmi. On the other hand, there was this guy, who was simple and average , but he was warm and made her feel nice made her laugh and he was genuinely interested in her.  

But Rashmi was pursuing the VP, because he was the ideal partner she had mind. Suave and sophisticated and one she could show off to her friends and she thought she could eventually be happy with him. But the problem was he wasn’t as interested in her; he was more interested in himself.

So, I asked her, “Does he make you feel happy?” she was hesitant. And I knew why, because the heart doesn’t crave qualifications and credentials, it wants true connections. 

I advised her to seek the man who was genuinely interested in her and ditch the man she thought was ideal for her.

Yes, sometimes, changing your own perceptions or preconceived image about the ideal partner might open doors to happiness you never imagined.  

Do you agree? Share your thoughts.

Why can’t I find someone?

When I met Deepa (name changed) for the first time, the first question
I asked myself, being a match-maker notwithstanding was, “How come she
hasn’t found anyone yet?” And the first question she asked me was the
same: “Why can’t I find someone?” She was smart, beautiful and
sweet-natured, in short a very marriageable person. And yet, here she
was, unmarried and in her late thirties.
In the years following my first meeting with Deepa, I have
increasingly come across men and women, who seem most eligible, and
yet ask me this question: Why can’t I find someone? You sure can,
especially in a land of 1.2 billion people! You just have to look in
the right direction and be a little bit open about willing to find
that someone and also be ready to change your perception of love,
dating, and marriage.
I keep telling my clients, if you want to find someone, you have to
first a) be open to dating and meeting people and not dismiss someone
because he’s too short of she wears specks; and b) be willing to
change your perception about marriage; even as people want to get
married, very often, and at the back of their mind, they find marriage
stifling.
For dating and meeting new people, you have to first be open and more
importantly, patient. The prince/princess on a white horse is only a nice
dream, now wake up and smell the coffee. Be open and ‘no’ it’s not a
show of desperation if you’re seeking someone. It’s only natural. And
if you’re going to be neutral in your attitude, your prince might
never show up. Be proactive. And more important, be ready to work at
it. If someone is being nice to you in the office, respond to the
niceness. Make an effort. If a decent guy gives you a phone number or
asks for yours at a bar, don’t be shy. More importantly, don’t judge
the person on your first date, tempting and easy as it may be. Give
each other some time. Don’t give up easily.
Now, coming to marriage, just because your cousin or your aunt is
unhappy with his or her married life, doesn’t mean you’re not meant
for marriage. Some people, while they want to get married, argue that
marriage can be a constraint. Women feel that they might be at the
mercy of the demands of their husbands and in-laws, while men might
argue that they don’t want to think twice if they want to spend
evenings out with friends or like the idea of someone else staking
claim on their hard earned money.
If you’re going to find faults with marriage, or find it unpleasant,
it’s unlikely you’re ever going to find anyone to marry. On the other
hand, marriage is not a bed of roses either. There will be thorns, but
if you and your spouse can mind these thorns or even be ready to pluck
them out, it can be all the good things you want it to be. But yes, it
needs work. And yes, from both parties.
So now when someone asks me, “Why can’t I find someone?” I say, “I can
find you someone provided you help me by being open to meeting new
people and by focusing on all the great things that marriage be.

Share your thoughts!

Does marriage still matter? It does!

Till a few years back, it was the only passport into society as
someone respectable and responsible, but today, marriage is a choice
for many, society notwithstanding. Parents can’t force you, live-in is
fairly acceptable, society will not pass a harsh judgment on you,
friends will still stand by your side and relatives, barring the mean
aunt or a staunch grandparent won’t wag their tongues.

So, do you still want to get married? Is marriage still important? Or
is it out of fashion?

Well, yes. In my experience as a match-maker, I come across many young
people and even middle-aged people still wanting to get married,
despite the relative freedom that society now bestows. Strange, isn’t
it? Even as society and people are getting more and more tolerant and
accepting towards all kinds of people and relationships, marriage
continues to hold its ground. Why?

It’s not the stigma of being single, which is no longer a stigma; it’s
not ‘all my friends are married, that’s why I want to too’ or it’s not
even the fear of growing old alone. It’s more the feeling of belonging
to someone. Homeless or country-less people feel unsettled, they want
to belong to a place, a community and will go to great lengths to get
it. They want to be ‘accepted’ by someone, some place or some
community. Deep down it stems from the human nature of collective
living, of protecting each other and looking out, and after each other
and caring for each other.
 
Bring that same feeling to a micro level and you have the institution
of marriage. At the end of the day, you want to go back to a home; you
want to go back to someone. There is something comforting and warm
about, that nothing else can replace. Even as we are egoistic and
attach a lot of importance to ‘I’, we need the ‘We’, whatever ‘we’ it
maybe – a country, a community or a family and like you have something
that certifies that you are a citizen of a place or a community, the
institution of marriage, whether by a piece of paper or a ceremonial
‘I do’ gives you that certificate.

So, if you’re married, count your blessings, love more and criticize
less, accept your differences and lend empathy and care. Don’t forget
to tell your spouse now and then how much you love her or him. If you
are single, despite all that you hear about marriage and its
difficulties and the compromises you’ve to make, let me assure you,
marriage is still a beautiful thing.  And no, it will never go out of
fashion.

Share your thoughts on the institution of marriage.

Get Physical!

Not sex, silly! What I mean is get physical by doing an activity
that’s physically demanding! But do it together. Run, swim, hike,
bike, climb, skate, play badminton, gym, dance… Anything that makes
your heart beat race, exhausts you, aches your muscles, but in the end
satisfies you. I know of a few couples who do the Nike run training
together,  do yoga, or make sure they go hiking every few weeks. And
let me tell you, they have great fun doing it together!

Such activities bring you and your spouse closer in more ways that you
can imagine. You understand each other’s body limits and become more
supportive, encouraging and caring; you’re doing an activity that is
different from your normal routine, which helps you bond because it’s
fun and adventurous; because you’re both going through physically
challenging experiences you bond at a different level, this helps you
respect each other’s physicality too; you’ll understand your spouse’s
sportsman spirit. In game of badminton or tennis, you’ll learn to lose
gracefully or encourage each other. But above all, you’ll have fun!
It’s great fun to race your spouse whether on a track or in the pool,
it brings back fond memories of school and college days, only now
you’re not competing with friends but with your partner!

Sport has a unique and unifying element! It brings people from all
regions, races and color together. It speaks a language that everyone
can understand. And it can do wonders for relationship too! It’s fun,
it’ll help you come closer to your spouse and boost your health!

So, go get physical! Go run, dance, sail, skate, play, swim, bike, hike...

Have you and your spouse indulged in physical activities together?
Share your experience with us!

What would you truly enjoy doing in 2013?

So is your 2013 resolutions list out yet? Frankly, I’m not much of a
resolutions person. While I like the idea of it, I don’t like that in
practice it generally fades off by February. And come June, it’s long
forgotten and come December, I feel lousy about myself for not having
kept at it! So I generally avoid it.

But I do like the idea of it. And I find that, especially in
relationships, resolutions and frequent revisiting of resolutions
really help.

So, here’s something that you can do this year. Forget the long list.
Just do this. Fill in this blank: I think doing ______ in 2013 would
be fantastic.  And fill it three or five times. So now you have top
three or five things you’d like to do this year. Ask your spouse to do
the same. And, please, no cheating. Once done, compare your list.

You might be surprised by what comes out of it! Maybe out of your own
list, especially when you begin to truly introspect and even
prioritize things that you want to do, and maybe that of your spouse!
You might go, ‘Really? I didn’t know you enjoyed doing that! or, I
always thought that was a passing fad, and didn’t know it was
something you were serious about!’

Either way, it’s a great way to get done the things you truly enjoy
doing, discover new things and even maybe secret interests of your
spouse. This is also a great opportunity for both of you to be truly
supportive and encouraging of one another’s passions and interests.
This understanding works as a solid foundation for lasting
relationships. We’re so often focused on what ‘we’ want, what ‘we’ are
interested in that we tend to neglect our spouse’s feelings. This
effort towards supporting and understanding each other will truly pave
the way for a solid relationship.

So, get started! And go fulfill your dreams this 2013!

Are you losing your friends after marriage?

Do you find yourself losing some of your friends or friends circle
after marriage? You’re not alone. Remember the Friends’ episode where
Monica and Chandler want to hang out with married couples, rather than
Phoebe and Joey? Or take the latest rumour of Jessica Biel and Justin
Timberlake, who might be having trouble already, having married hardly
a few weeks, because she wants him to cut ties with his hard-partying
friends. Sounds familiar? It’s not uncommon.
The first few weeks after marriage can be overwhelming, even if you’ve
lived-in with your partner before getting married. Suddenly you’re
dealing with whole new situations, relatives and routines. All the
while coping with your regular job and the sudden increase in chores,
etc. And more importantly dealing with the harsh reality that marriage
is not always a bed of roses. So, it’s quite natural that you don’t
have time for your friends. Yes, the same ones who you would drop
everything for, in their times of need, suddenly get relegated to the
back with a, “Oh, they’ll understand. They’re my friends after all.”
In fact, they don’t. And the rifts start right there. They’re coping
with the gap in their lives too, knowing that things will never be the
same again, while you’re coping with that and a lot more!
Change is not always easy, unfortunately it is inevitable, especially
after marriage, but it can be softened around the edges if you take
some measures beforehand.
Before the big day, talk to your close friends, and discuss how things
will not be the same again. Also tell them that it’s likely that
you’ll choose your spouse over them, in situations. Empathize with
them and tell them that you consider the friendship really important
and that you are keen to make it work. Also have a frank and open chat
with your spouse and tell him / her how important your friends are to
you and that you’re keen to keep something of if, even after the
marriage. Here are a few more tips:
•       Make a schedule to meet-up with your friends regularly. Stay true to
it. Mark it on your calendar.
•       Take  regular trips with your friends.
•       Be open and frank with your friends and spouse. If things are not
going well, bring out in the open. Talk it out, don’t let it fester.
•       If your friends are not in the same town, stay in touch through
emails or Facebook and phone calls. Make a schedule to chat up every
once in a while.
Would you like to add to these tips? What measures have you taken to
keep your friendship going, after your marriage? Share your
experiences with us.

Cultivate Chastity in your relationship

Threesomes. Couple swapping.  Sex romps. We live in a highly
sexualized world, and are constantly bombarded with sexual content and
sexual innuendos. So much so, that we think chastity is boring, old
fashioned; it’s for old people. You’re not considered ‘in’ or ‘mod’ if
you think chastity is important in today’s world and for today’s
marriages.

But, you’ll be surprised to know, it is. Maybe chastity had a big role
to play in marriages of the previous generation, which lasted a full
life time. Maybe the lack of it has a big part to play in today’s
failing marriages.

 So, where does chastity stand today and how can it help relationships?

Sex plays a big part in marriage, and when it is coupled with
chastity, it becomes even more special. Sex then becomes an intimate
part of us that is reserved only for us, making it that much more
special. It brings in more attractiveness because it’s exclusive for
us; it brings in more intimacy because it’s something truly special.
It’s is not a power play anymore, it’s not a manipulative game; it’s
not a self-centered activity. On the other hand, it is liberated and
it brings in togetherness and creates an extraordinary bond of
friendship, companionship and mutual respect.

When our sexual thoughts and desires are fixed only on our spouse, we
naturally disregard any sexual thoughts that emanate from others, and
this strengthens our bond. If we let chastity guide us in other parts
our lives including the people we socialize with, the movies and TV
programs that we choose to watch, the books that we decide to read,
you’ll notice how it all plays a beautiful part in a more purposeful
life that is centered around creating fulfilling relationships, with
our spouse and children and the community at large.

When we begin to practice chastity, it beings to extend and touch upon
all aspects of our relationship and life. We begin to respect and
connect with our spouse at a deeper level, we react more calmly, we
can empathize with our spouse and trust becomes a strong and
unshakable part of our relationship.

If you thought chastity was passé, think again. Cultivate it in your
life and you’ll see the difference it makes to your relationship and
to your life overall.

Spending time together was never this fun!

The days of fancy dinners, or maybe awkward first kisses, popping of a
champagne bottle to impress or sharing two straws over a milk-shake
might seem like faded memories. Because you’ve got ‘more important’
things to do now. Like a job, tending to kids and the never-ending
household chores. We live in a busy world after all and the dreamy
lover days, the first heart-thumping touches and exciting nights have
been replaced. Not that they have become less important, but that we
have other ‘more important’ stuff to do.

It’s ironic how our ‘more important’ stuff has changed. As lovers that
seemed the ‘most important’ thing to do. Didn’t it? But as days went
by the ‘most important’ person in our life got replaced. Sad, isn’t
it?

It’s not about how much money you spend on your spouse, but the time.
And time is never really enough, so I would say perhaps not even time,
but intention. After all it takes merely a few seconds to give a quick
peck on the cheek before you leave the house. A hug doesn’t take long
either, nor does a quick mid-day phone to say “Hey, how’s it going.
I’m thinking of you!” Yes, it’s only the intention that counts. You’ll
be amazed to know that you don’t really need all that much time to
show how much you care. You’ll be amazed to know how much punch you
can pack into half-an- hour or one hour! Get a weekly hobby-class together. 
You’ll re-discover each other, spend some good times and learn something new in the process!

   Here are some quick ideas:

•    Give each other a 20 mins massage. And who knows what that’ll lead to ;-)
•    Skip the monthly fancy-restaurant ritual and head for a quick bite at a late night cafe. Nothing like some chit-chat about good old times.
•  Join a gym or a yoga-class together. Working out together can be really fun!
•    Sit at a park bench and enjoy the weather and watch people go by.
•     Get your car or bike out and go out for a short late night spin.
• Being under the stars can work up some magic. Or maybe even take the day off and head out for a quick picnic.
•     Do some spring-cleaning together. Chancing upon old photographs and other items can get you talking about your dating days.
•       And I would say the most important thing is to ‘touch’ each other every day. Make hugging a routine before you leave the house and when you get back. Or perhaps when you wake up in the morning or the last thing before you drop off to sleep. Tell each other ‘I love you’ everyday.

Have any more ideas? Would love to hear them!

The Gift of Time

“Not now, I’m really busy!”

“I don’t have time now, can we talk about this later?”

“There’s so little time, I can hardly get anything done!”

How often, and many times how conveniently we blame it on time. Our
days are so full with chores, jobs, assignments, activities, kids,
commitments and what-not that we don’t have time for the most special
person in our life – our spouse. Because, we take our spouse for
granted, thinking, “Of course, she or he will understand that I’m
‘busy!’”. But unfortunately, this simple assumption can be the
beginning of the end. It is the beginning of fights, of ‘you don’t
understand me’, ‘I’m not important enough for you’, ‘you have better
things to do’ and of course, stress and unhappiness.

Give your relationship the gift of time. That’s the least you can do.
And don’t make it up with material gifts, or chocolates or money.
Because, nothing can really replace the time you spend with your
spouse. It’s not something that can be bought or exchanged for,
financially. Giving time to your spouse shows how much you truly care.
It says, “Yes, you are important to me. You are important in my day.
You are important in my life.”
So, the next time you catch yourself giving any ‘time excuse’, stop.
Step back and ask yourself, “What is really important?” And if
something really needs your time and attention, then put it across
clearly and make a plan on how can you make it up later.

Here are some quick tips to help you give the gift of time.

•       Ask yourself, when was the last time you really spent quality time
together. If you can’t remember, you better make some time today!
•       Are the choices you’re currently making, causing harm or are they
beneficial to your relationship?
•       What are your priorities? Now and for the long-term?
•       And how do these priorities stack up vis-à-vis your spouse, your family?
•       How are you doing, in terms of giving time for yourself, your
spouse, your family? Are you doing enough? If not, what adjustments
can you make in your day to make it happen?
•       Make a list of activities that are a definite ‘no-no’ and those that
are ‘yes’.

Give the gift of time to enjoy a happier and long-lasting
relationship. Because once you’ve lost time, you can never get it
back. 

Harvey MacKay once said, “Time is free, but it's priceless. You
can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend
it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back.”

So, what are you going to do with your time today? Tell us!

I always love beginnings

One of my favourite times of the year is the ‘beginning’. Just when
spring announces its arrival with flowers in bloom, bees buzzing
busily, clear bright skies. There’s something about it: hope,
anticipation, excitement. But it’s not to do with seasons alone mind
you, it also mirrors our relationships, as we can choose to carry all
the good of the previous year and leave behind the ugly days.

The wise owl in Bambi says in spring time, “Before you know it, you
will all be twitter pated!” To which Bambi and his friends squirm and
say “Ewww! Not us!” Of course before they know it they each fall in
love – the rabbit, the skunk and Bambi, the deer himself.

Spring with all its charm is a great time to renew and enhance your
relationship. And a fantastic way to do it is by being a friend to
your spouse. Friendship enhances the relationship in a beautiful and
positive way, with the companionship, the warmth, the no-expectation
and the fun of being just friends. So if you’ve been too busy trying
to be ‘the’ wife or husband, this is the right time to throw in some
friendship too. Go out and do fun things, just like you would with
your friends. Start a hobby together, go on a trek, go for a play or
movie or just ‘hang out’ – chatting about this and that and enjoying
your ‘together’ time. Just like you make time to catch up with
friends, make time to catch up with your spouse. Soon you’ll discover
new things in your relationship; new sides of your spouse’s
personality that you never knew existed. And the best part is you’ll
be having fun all along. And before you know it, you’ll be twitter
pated all over again!

The Marrygold 2011 Story

So how was your 2011? Relationship-wise of course. Happy? Lots of fight? Better understanding? Bitter? Well, my own blog journey has had a bit of everything along with a fair dose of advice, sharing of experiences and opinions!

It all began with resolutions for your marriage, where I shared with you readers that marriage is also about hard work. Yes, it’s not a rose-petal littered path. Both partners have to work towards it. So like any resolutions, I urged couples to sit down and make their marriage resolutions for the year.

Then when I was toying with the idea for my next blog, I remembered someone telling me, “You’re taking your job too seriously”. And I wondered if people took their marriages seriously too. This also struck me as quite odd, because many of my clients comment ‘should have a sense of humor’ in their partner wish-list! So I wondered aloud about LOL in marriage.

Then in February, how could I resist not writing on the occasion that brings it all about! Valentine’s Day of course! Whether we curse it or go all mushy about it, can’t deny that it’s very much part of our lives! And when March comes, well who can forget the dreaded finances, with budget and taxes thrown in! So I guided my readers on how to bring financial success in marriage. This also got me thinking about the financial benefits of getting hitched. Well, for the records, it’s beneficial!

Every once in a while, and yes, even in an interesting job like this, I must confess I run out of ideas or simply throw my hands up with “I need a break”! Well, that’s when a guest blog comes in handy ;-). And that’s how The Awakening came about.

Then came all the frenzy of one of the most awaited events of 2011. The royal wedding! Being in the relationship business, I simply had to make the most of this anticipated event! And I followed eagerly the trials and tribulations of this fairytale wedding. And like the millions of fans I sent my best wishes to Prince Williams and Kate Middleton so they live happily ever after!

Later, quite tired of writing and doling out advise, I experimented with a short story about the myths surrounding soul mates.

The hangover of the royal wedding still clinging stubbornly and totally in love with Pippa Middleton’s dress, I decided to talk about how important dressing is to charm a potential date! Really! Just as people dress for job interviews or on special occasions, dressing and grooming for a date is a must! Basic as it may be, you’ll be surprised to know that many people do not pay much attention to their get up!

Then one day, as I sat in front of my PC, engrossed in work, my dear husband stood behind my chair and gently massaged my shoulders. Only then did I realize how tired I was and how sorely I needed a massage. It’s these little acts of love that go a long way in making a relationship worthwhile. Like the yin and yang, relationships have their bad days too, so in how to fight right I stressed on how important it is to fight right and make the best of tiffs!

It also got me thinking about how my parents managed their relationships the good moments and the tough ones. Did they do things for each other, how did they cope with fights and bouts of anger. How was it in their times vis-à-vis a more independent and demanding new age relations of today and what does it truly take to meet marriage needs.

So this is Marrygold’s blog story! Now it’s your turn to share with us your relationship stories of the year!

And here’s wishing you all a joyous and peaceful 2012 filled with love of course!!

Meeting Marriage Needs

Marriage is not easy. I don’t want to put a dent on the hopes of those
trying to get hitched, but it’s better to be honest than to feel
cheated later on. But that doesn’t mean it cannot be beautiful and
harmonious. It certainly can be and there are ways to make it happen.
It’s not a smooth ride and it requires work, but it’s possible.

People marry for various reasons and over time the priorities change
too. A guy once told his friends, “I don’t need to get married,
because I know how to cook!” You might laugh at this, but if you dig
deeper you’ll find some truth in it. If you explore it further, for
him marriage means meeting basic domestic needs. And for you it might
mean some other need.

So let’s list out some needs of marriage: love, companionship,
spiritual partnership, domestic support, financial support, need to
have a family, affection and the need to feel belonged, among others.

The first thing you must do as a partner is identify your primary
needs. You must also remember that these needs will change over time,
as you change, or as circumstances change. Next, find out what your
partner’s needs are. Once you are clear about these needs, discuss
them openly and find out how you can meet and complement each other’s
needs.

Identifying your needs is not easy either, and it needs some hard work
too. Most important is self-awareness and this comes with
self-observation, patience, and complete honesty with oneself. Once
you’ve both identified your basic needs you can work together through
open and frank communication, empathy and above all a commitment to
make it work.

They say the fruits of labour are sweet. And it’s not different in marriage.

Share your comments and views with us...

How to fight right

Relationships are fraught with misunderstandings, bickering,
arguments, big fights and mega fights. It’s not something we can
escape, because after all we are different people with different
opinions. Fights can range from the color of the bedroom wall, to not
giving enough freedom to your spouse, to who should pick up the kids
or do the dishes or about not having enough sex. There is no dearth of
conflicts!

The good news is that fights can be productive for relationships. Yes,
you read that right! In fact research shows that couples who fight
often have a more lasting and fruitful relationship compared to those
who don’t! (Ok, that doesn’t mean you’re going to pick up a fight with
your spouse once a month.) And here’s the twist, it’s how you fight
that matters.

It’s unfortunate that in fights there is more of “I’m right you’re
wrong”, instead of “let’s right the wrongs”. The cardinal mistake
couples make while fighting is to “win”, unfortunately there is no
prize for the winner, except pride…and in the long run it’s a loss,
especially if you have deal with resentment from your spouse.

So, here are some rules to help you fight right:

• Be calm, express your opinion in a calm way. Talk without “fighting”.
• Acknowledge and address the conflict as soon as possible. Don’t
allow it to go into days or fester for long.
• Give each other a fair hearing. Toss a coin and decide who goes
first. Let the person finish telling his / her side of the story
completely. Make sure that both of you clearly understand what the
person is saying. And then express your side of the story.
• If you need a break to clear the air, say so. But give a date and
time to resume the discussion, and honour it. But again, time is
crucial, don’t let it go on for more than a few days.
• Fight maturely. Never shout, blame, insult, call names, physically
injure, stomp out, or bang things. It doesn’t help in anyway. In fact,
it does more harm.
• Never rake up past fights or things that are not central to the
fight, like “No wonder, your son has turned out like you! Or all this
anger comes from your father.”
• Be less competitive and more cooperative. Learn to accept that there
are opinions that are different from yours.
• Fight with your spouse and not against him / her. Remember you’re
both on the same side.

I would like to sign off with ‘happy fighting’ ;-) instead, I’ll say
‘happy resolution’!
And don’t forget to share your conflict resolutions tactics with us!

New Age Relations

“Fiercely independent”. These two words can be quite disastrous on a
woman’s dating profile. Similarly, “A little laidback and easy-going”
on a guy’s profile can be quite a turn-off. But the truth of the
matter is that both sexes are going through transitions. Women are
asserting themselves, mind you, not as a challenge to the opposite
sex, but rather as an evolutionary re-balancing. And men are not
always pressurized to bring their macho and ‘protector’ self to the
front to woo their counterpart.

As these changes take effect, it is getting increasingly difficult to
find the ‘right’ partner. Successful women often find themselves alone
at the top as no man wants to be seen as their ‘man servant’ , and men
who are un-ambitious fail to attract women, because at some level,
women still need someone ‘to look after them’. Divorce rates are
increasing around us and men and women continue to look for ‘the one’
well into their 30s.

So what should you do to find your partner, in the new scheme of things?

What both the sexes need is to adjust and realign to the new
relationship paradigm. Women don’t need men to ‘protect’ them or
provide for them financially. But emotionally, that’s a different
story. In that respect women still need their man to ‘protect’ them
and take care of them. As for men, they might be slowly shedding their
macho self, but women need to make sure that they stoke fire of the
male ego once in a while to keep the balance going.
Men should find the right balance: appreciate their partner as they
assert their independence, but be by their side when they need
support. As for women, they should be truly ‘ok’ and even supportive
if their partner isn’t ‘too manly’ in the traditional sense and
maintain the relationship by doing things that help keep the balance.

In the new scheme of things, men and women should each be aware of the
changes taking place, empathize with the opposite sex and play their
part so as to build a relationship based on true understanding, care,
trust and love.

Share your comments

Little Acts of Love

Sometimes the monotony of life can suck you deep into its vortex of
routine. And before you know it, it replaces passionate moments with
quick cursory hugs, or a fleeting peck on the cheek or lips or a
slight pat on the backside. And that’s it. Your spouse has turned into
a roommate. And it gets worse when neither of you begins to notice the
change or worse still, mind it. But unfortunately, this might just be
the beginning of the end of healthy relationships. So, if you’ve
sensed it creep in ever so slowly in your lives, it’s time you take
some corrective actions.

Here are some tips.
If you are the couple who likes to hug before you leave for work or
meet at the end of the day, here’s what you need to do. The next time
you hug, surprise your spouse by giving him (or her) a tighter squeeze
during the hug. Or when you know the regular hug time is up, just hold
in there for a wee bit longer. Or start swaying ever so lightly and
run your hand behind his (or her) back sensuously. And when it is time
to part, cup your spouse’s side of the cheek in your palm and give a
warm smile.

If you are the couple whose passionate lip locks have been reduced to
quick pecks here’s what you can try the next time your spouse leans in
for the peck. In one sweep of the arms lock your spouse into an
embrace. And surprise him (or her) by parting your lips ever so
lightly. This might take your spouse by surprise, a pleasant one of
course. And it’ll turn your rather fleeting and shallow peck into a
passionate and deep kiss.
If the rot to the routine has crept further down and reduced your
physical contact to light taps on the shoulder, back or derriere,
here’s what you do.

The next time your hand moves up for a tap on the shoulder or back,
let your hand linger a little longer; you’ll see how this
automatically turns into a hug. If it’s a pat on the derriere, you
could try a risqué squeeze, to the mild surprise of your spouse.

As lovers you might have locked fingers and arms while walking on the
road, but as couples for several years you might find it embarrassing
to do such a thing. Get back a little of the romance by surprising
your spouse. The next time you’re walking together, lace your fingers
sensuously or lean on his arm!

Physical relationship is not about sex alone, small acts that show you
love and care play an important role in relationships. So go ahead and
show how much you love your spouse!

Share with us how you got some love sparks back into your life.

Dress to charm

They say clothes maketh the man and it couldn’t be truer when you are
going to meet your potential life partner for the first time. You
might think, “But these are common sense stuff, you can’t possibly go
wrong with it”, but believe me, and I’m talking through experience,
clients have come back with “I found her dressing too loud, I’m not
sure I want to be with a person like that” or “He dresses quite
sloppily, so I’m not sure...” A lot of people on the other hand want
to say: “This is me. Take it or leave it.” Unfortunately with such an
attitude you might end up living with a body pillow or just your
mirror for companion.

Face it. Physical attraction does matter and what you wear speaks
volumes about your personality, or the vibes that you are giving out
to the person sitting opposite. Besides dressing well and sharp
indicates respect, good social skills and helps you stay sharp and
focused.

First impressions are the last, so make sure your first impression is
the best by dressing right. Here are some tips.

Dressing for the occasion

Wear clothes for the occasion. If you are meeting your date in a
swanky and classy place, don’t wear t-shirts or capris. Go formal. If
you are meeting at a coffee place, make sure you don’t turn up in a
tie or a heavy kancheevram sari. Do your homework of the place and
wear clothes that match the venue. Also keep the weather in mind,
shivering in a slinky sleeveless dress in winter or sweating in a suit
in summer might indicate that you don’t judge too well.

Don’t forget the right footwear. Wear footwear that matches your
clothes, not floaters with formals or kohlapuris with a western skirt.
Also make sure you’re comfortable in your footwear, you never know if
an occasion to take a small stroll in the neighborhood park presents
itself!

A well-coordinated outfit right from hair-do, make-up, clothes,
accessories and shoes indicates that you pay attention to details and
that you take everything into account.

Dress according to your body

A potential partner might not necessarily dismiss you if you are fat or
too thin, but there is a good chance he / she might be offended if he
sees flesh pouring out of your clothes or worse still a butt crack.
Wear clothes that suit your body type.

Dress in comfortable clothing

It doesn’t help if you keep adjusting your clothes or fidgeting in
a tight pair of new squeaky shoes. If you are uncomfortable in your
dress, you will not be able to focus on the conversation. So make sure
you are comfortable in your dress, so you can focus on enjoying the
date.

Grooming
Make sure you make a visit to the parlour or the barber before your
date. Shape your eyebrows, shave clean or trim your moustache or beard
or have a haircut. Hair coming out ears or peeping from your nostrils
can be such a put off. So make sure you’ve taken care of these small
but important details.

Be careful with your make-up. Loud make-up can be a real turn off as
can be smelly underarms. Make sure your make up enhances your
personality rather than being a painted face and put the right amount
of perfume. Just because it’s your first date doesn’t mean you’ll
empty your deo or perfume bottle, (ads notwithstanding). A strong
perfume trailing your every move can be quite nauseating.

Before stepping out, check in the mirror or ask a friend how you look.

Right dressing is only the first step, follow this with good listening
skills, appropriate manners and social graces, engaging conversation
and a dash of humor.

Feel free to share more dressing tips and experiences with us.