I think sex is overrated. I mean I know how important it is in our lives and all that, but I think it’s getting more than its fair share of importance in society today. Even around a decade back it was a hush-hush topic met with shy smiles, lowered eye-lids and rose-tinted cheeks, but in today’s generation a simple act of crossing legs or licking lips has taken on a whole new meaning.
It’s a sexually charged society that we live in and I think marriages need to go beyond that.
Ok, admit that sex plays an anchor-like role in a marriage, but there’s so much more to a marriage than sex alone, so many tactile things that give you quiet satisfaction and send a wave of warmth through the body. While for men, it’s the closest they feel to their spouse, it’s not the same with women always, who fake interest and even orgasms to satisfy their husbands, whom they love. But for a more satisfying and deeper relationship, couples need to be tuned to each other’s needs, know what brings on that soft purr of contentment, makes you sigh with deep satisfaction or fills your heart with warm love. Here are some ways to get you closer and make that deeper connection:
A hug a day
An act of a few seconds, but packed with a whole lot of meaning, a hug says what a hundred words can’t. It gives reassurance just to feel each others heart beats and soft breaths as you lock in embrace. A powerful way to express love and to show how much you care.
A shoulder massage
Nothing like getting a massage after a hard day’s work. Soft hands kneading your over-stressed shoulders can be wonderful feeling. Also an act that says ‘I know and appreciate all the hard work you’re doing and here’s my way of acknowledging and repaying it’.
A foot scrub
A few minutes in warm water and a foot massage can rejuvenate you in an instant.
Do it for your spouse and see their eyes light up.
Run your fingers through hair
While sitting and watching your favorite show, just run your fingers through your spouse’s hair like a large tooth-comb. A soothing feeling that’ll make your spouse settle back with a deep sigh of satisfaction.
Look into my eyes
“I hate it when I talk to my husband and he continues to watch TV or go through the newspaper while saying ‘I’m listing, go on.’” My friend used to tell me. It’s annoying and disrespectful. Mute the sound, put down the newspaper or the gardening tool or whatever else you are doing and make eye-contact with your spouse when he or she is talking. It adds ever so much to a relationship. It says I respect you and what you are saying.
Do small physical acts play a role in your relationship? Share them.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Changing Man?
In my last post I talked about what men want; in this post my friends ask myself, ‘But where are the MEN?’ I mean, where are the ‘men’ men? Really!
As teenagers we all fantasized the bulging bicep guy -- who bragged about lifting logs, with rough rugged looks – the likes of handsome Afghans maybe, and a careless swagger – like the eye-patched pirates. One would dream of being swept off my feet in his strong, yet caring arms, and revel in the ‘safe-from-the-word’ feeling.
Now as a wiser and less dreamy 30-something they all look around and don't see anyone.
Where are the machos? Where are the MEN? Suddenly they’ve turned into these mushy and sensitive guys.
As I dug deeper into this subject, I found out that men are becoming so called ‘feminine’ owing to a combination of several factors. The most important one being the liberalization of women and the fact that women don’t necessarily look for masculinity in a man these days. With women breaking the glass ceiling in many spheres as well as enjoying financial security (by their own means and hard work) women have stopped looking for the erstwhile qualities, read masculinity, money and the security it brings with it. What they look for in men include child-rearing qualities, as support to their emancipation as well as a man who can be useful around the house and support their wife’s ambitions.
The Wall Street Journal in an article titled: "Why Women Don't Want Macho Men" says that "Women are no longer reliant on a man's genes or jobs to ensure the health and wealth of their children, women may come to value other qualities in a mate. It may become evolutionarily adaptive to prefer men who are co-operative, communicative, caring and better parents over traditional 'manly men."
So…what do you guys think?
As teenagers we all fantasized the bulging bicep guy -- who bragged about lifting logs, with rough rugged looks – the likes of handsome Afghans maybe, and a careless swagger – like the eye-patched pirates. One would dream of being swept off my feet in his strong, yet caring arms, and revel in the ‘safe-from-the-word’ feeling.
Now as a wiser and less dreamy 30-something they all look around and don't see anyone.
Where are the machos? Where are the MEN? Suddenly they’ve turned into these mushy and sensitive guys.
As I dug deeper into this subject, I found out that men are becoming so called ‘feminine’ owing to a combination of several factors. The most important one being the liberalization of women and the fact that women don’t necessarily look for masculinity in a man these days. With women breaking the glass ceiling in many spheres as well as enjoying financial security (by their own means and hard work) women have stopped looking for the erstwhile qualities, read masculinity, money and the security it brings with it. What they look for in men include child-rearing qualities, as support to their emancipation as well as a man who can be useful around the house and support their wife’s ambitions.
The Wall Street Journal in an article titled: "Why Women Don't Want Macho Men" says that "Women are no longer reliant on a man's genes or jobs to ensure the health and wealth of their children, women may come to value other qualities in a mate. It may become evolutionarily adaptive to prefer men who are co-operative, communicative, caring and better parents over traditional 'manly men."
So…what do you guys think?
Sunday, October 3, 2010
What Men Want
It’s so hard to find a Man these days. A man-man you know?! Exclaimed a young friend of mine. She’s been dating for a while, but things haven’t yet ‘settled’ for her. So what is it you’re looking for? I ask her. Tall, handsome, strong. Someone who’s not afraid of crying, someone who really, ‘understands’ me. Someone who’s macho, but at the same time who can cook and look after the kids and hold me when I cry while am watching Serendipity without feeling awkward! She trailed off…
A rather tall order! I thought to myself. My friend apart, it got me thinking about what men really want. And here’s what I could come up with.
Mama’s boys. They are not called mama’s boys for nothing. Macho as they would like to portray themselves, men look for motherly qualities in women, and if something resembles their own mother, then they’ll definitely go for the relationship.
On the same note, men like femininity. But not necessarily the women who walk on the ramp, and are stick thin. They like a woman who can look sensuous in a sari or the slight ding dong swishes when a woman walks by.
Men like it short and sweet. We all know how different the two sexes are when it comes to emotions. They like to play it direct and in as little words as possible, while women tend to make it really, really complicated. It’s just that they’re wired that way. So if you want to sustain a relationship, keep all the raving and ranting and the tears for the all-girls’ party, and play it simple and direct with your man (that’s the language he understands best).
Women tend to look for a man who can ‘support’ them. It’s no different for a man, even though they might show otherwise. Women who support their man in his career, in his behavior or on any of his activities are more likely to sustain a strong relationship.
Men need to feel secure and want commitment. Experiences in your dating life might have been different. You see men changing girlfriends as quickly as their shirts. But when they are ready to settle down, they look for commitment. They want to share a home, a life.
Men don’t want to be alone. It’s a basic human tendency. We all need someone to be there for us, to love us, support us and take care of us. Despite their egos and what nots, deep down, they don’t want to be alone.
In my next post I’ll discuss the ‘changing man’.
But for now, tell me what you think men want. And I would love to hear from the MEN!
A rather tall order! I thought to myself. My friend apart, it got me thinking about what men really want. And here’s what I could come up with.
Mama’s boys. They are not called mama’s boys for nothing. Macho as they would like to portray themselves, men look for motherly qualities in women, and if something resembles their own mother, then they’ll definitely go for the relationship.
On the same note, men like femininity. But not necessarily the women who walk on the ramp, and are stick thin. They like a woman who can look sensuous in a sari or the slight ding dong swishes when a woman walks by.
Men like it short and sweet. We all know how different the two sexes are when it comes to emotions. They like to play it direct and in as little words as possible, while women tend to make it really, really complicated. It’s just that they’re wired that way. So if you want to sustain a relationship, keep all the raving and ranting and the tears for the all-girls’ party, and play it simple and direct with your man (that’s the language he understands best).
Women tend to look for a man who can ‘support’ them. It’s no different for a man, even though they might show otherwise. Women who support their man in his career, in his behavior or on any of his activities are more likely to sustain a strong relationship.
Men need to feel secure and want commitment. Experiences in your dating life might have been different. You see men changing girlfriends as quickly as their shirts. But when they are ready to settle down, they look for commitment. They want to share a home, a life.
Men don’t want to be alone. It’s a basic human tendency. We all need someone to be there for us, to love us, support us and take care of us. Despite their egos and what nots, deep down, they don’t want to be alone.
In my next post I’ll discuss the ‘changing man’.
But for now, tell me what you think men want. And I would love to hear from the MEN!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Can Women Have it All?
Modern Indian women have it all. Or so you would think. They have a multitude of career doors opening for them like never before; they have a slowly but surely liberalizing societal system, which doesn’t frown upon love or inter-caste marriages with as much furrows as it did before – so they can choose the man of their dreams; they have an extended family to fall back on in case of help (parents, in laws, or maybe slightly more extended families) despite opting to go nuclear in some cases; they have agencies (some reliable and some maybe not) to help them get all sorts of supplementary help through cooks, drivers, maids, part-time full time hired help and etc, and mushrooming day care centers. With such a support system, you would think Indian women indeed have it all.
And yet, over the years I have seen so many discontented women, broken dreams, guilt-ridden mothers, stressed-and-depressed career women and I’ve wondered where lay the problem. I’ve known successful career women sick to the pits about a bawling baby in a maid’s arms back at home. I’ve known women who have abandoned lucrative careers for the sake of their children, and feeling guilty about “just sitting at home”. I’ve known women in their late thirties spending thousands in fertility clinics and lamenting the fact that they didn’t stop their career juggernaut to have babies, or were too scared to take on the responsibilities. I’ve known mothers struggling with freelance careers in the hope of having it all, but unsatisfied at having ‘nothing’. And I’ve known women who seem to have it all – a fantastic career, wonderful children, and a lovely home, and are so stressed by it all, that given an option, they would take a completely different path!
So where is the problem?
I think it lies in choices and more importantly in compromises. Women while indulging in their dreams forget that they have to make compromises, right from the time they enter into a relationship to when they get married and have children. And they forget that they have to make hard choices, keeping in mind these compromises and most important of all to be happy or teach oneself to be happy with their choices -- compromise-ridden as they might be -- and whether their own or sometimes meted out to them. And above all, not to fret over the ‘what could’ve beens’ because in reality there are no such things, or compare yourselves to other women, because every women and every situation is different.
As to the question if women can have it all, maybe Australian Governor-General Quentin Bryce answered it best with, “You can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time."
What has been your experience? Do you think women can have it all?
And yet, over the years I have seen so many discontented women, broken dreams, guilt-ridden mothers, stressed-and-depressed career women and I’ve wondered where lay the problem. I’ve known successful career women sick to the pits about a bawling baby in a maid’s arms back at home. I’ve known women who have abandoned lucrative careers for the sake of their children, and feeling guilty about “just sitting at home”. I’ve known women in their late thirties spending thousands in fertility clinics and lamenting the fact that they didn’t stop their career juggernaut to have babies, or were too scared to take on the responsibilities. I’ve known mothers struggling with freelance careers in the hope of having it all, but unsatisfied at having ‘nothing’. And I’ve known women who seem to have it all – a fantastic career, wonderful children, and a lovely home, and are so stressed by it all, that given an option, they would take a completely different path!
So where is the problem?
I think it lies in choices and more importantly in compromises. Women while indulging in their dreams forget that they have to make compromises, right from the time they enter into a relationship to when they get married and have children. And they forget that they have to make hard choices, keeping in mind these compromises and most important of all to be happy or teach oneself to be happy with their choices -- compromise-ridden as they might be -- and whether their own or sometimes meted out to them. And above all, not to fret over the ‘what could’ve beens’ because in reality there are no such things, or compare yourselves to other women, because every women and every situation is different.
As to the question if women can have it all, maybe Australian Governor-General Quentin Bryce answered it best with, “You can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time."
What has been your experience? Do you think women can have it all?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Budget In a Marriage
Budgeting, like dieting is something that all of us definitely want to do, because we like the result of it, and also know that it is good for us, but somehow can’t really get down to it, as we get tempted and sidetracked by many other attractions or are simply lazy. But believe me when I say that budgeting is really key to financial health, financial success and financial well-being. And when you get down to it, you’ll find that it is not all that difficult or mind-numbing. And the beauty of it lies in the fact that you jointly get to decide what you want to do with your financial resources and achieve your dreams.
Paper, pen and calculator
First things first. Urge your partner to find time and sit down with pen, paper and calculator and get to work. If you prefer something fancier, you could try out an excel sheet or even perhaps the many budgeting software options on the net. But either way, get down to it. Make the broad categories of fixed household expenses and the odd ones that keep occurring. If you get into too much detail, you might find yourself bogged down by the book-keeping, and if you make too broad categories you might find your money going down a blackhole. So make sure that you find some sort of balance, and don’t forget the smaller stuff, because at the end of the tally, they might be the real culprit for some gaping mismatch in numbers! And if you harbor big dreams -- whether it is building / buying your dream house, going on a dream vacation or the need to spend on an expensive hobby, factor it in and work backwards to see how you can achieve it.
Whether you want to keep a joint account or separate account for your expenses is left to you, but make it clear about who is going to chip in how much and how you really want to structure your financial resources. For this, communication and trust are vital.
Communicate and trust
During all this exercise, it’s vital to keep communication channels open and to trust your better half that he/she is keeping the end of the bargain to maintain the budget. If, on a shopping stint you feel like splurging on something expensive, before you swipe that card, make sure you call your spouse and tell him / her about it, so you can make a joint decision, instead of regretting the impulse later or getting into arguments. If at some point you feel that your wife is spending more for household expenses than a previous month, instead of doubting or distrusting, ask her why.Through this, you will be faithful to your budget as well as build on a relationship rooted in trust. And if you find that your spouse is getting wayward, help him / her stick to it.
Help each other to stick to it
It’s thrilling when we embark on something, especially with a partner, but six months down the line, you might find that it’s not that exciting anymore. It’s the same with a budget, especially ones that come with hard choices. And ever so often, you might find yourself throwing up your hands and saying, “It’s not worth all the trouble,” or just go with your feelings at that point of time. This is when it’s crucial that you support each other and resolve to stick by your plans and commitment.
Like many things in a marriage, budgeting plays an important role that will help you in more ways than you can imagine. It will help to build, and work on trust, open communication, partnership and joint responsibility.
And through this, above all, you’ll be financially secure!
Share your savings story with us
Paper, pen and calculator
First things first. Urge your partner to find time and sit down with pen, paper and calculator and get to work. If you prefer something fancier, you could try out an excel sheet or even perhaps the many budgeting software options on the net. But either way, get down to it. Make the broad categories of fixed household expenses and the odd ones that keep occurring. If you get into too much detail, you might find yourself bogged down by the book-keeping, and if you make too broad categories you might find your money going down a blackhole. So make sure that you find some sort of balance, and don’t forget the smaller stuff, because at the end of the tally, they might be the real culprit for some gaping mismatch in numbers! And if you harbor big dreams -- whether it is building / buying your dream house, going on a dream vacation or the need to spend on an expensive hobby, factor it in and work backwards to see how you can achieve it.
Whether you want to keep a joint account or separate account for your expenses is left to you, but make it clear about who is going to chip in how much and how you really want to structure your financial resources. For this, communication and trust are vital.
Communicate and trust
During all this exercise, it’s vital to keep communication channels open and to trust your better half that he/she is keeping the end of the bargain to maintain the budget. If, on a shopping stint you feel like splurging on something expensive, before you swipe that card, make sure you call your spouse and tell him / her about it, so you can make a joint decision, instead of regretting the impulse later or getting into arguments. If at some point you feel that your wife is spending more for household expenses than a previous month, instead of doubting or distrusting, ask her why.Through this, you will be faithful to your budget as well as build on a relationship rooted in trust. And if you find that your spouse is getting wayward, help him / her stick to it.
Help each other to stick to it
It’s thrilling when we embark on something, especially with a partner, but six months down the line, you might find that it’s not that exciting anymore. It’s the same with a budget, especially ones that come with hard choices. And ever so often, you might find yourself throwing up your hands and saying, “It’s not worth all the trouble,” or just go with your feelings at that point of time. This is when it’s crucial that you support each other and resolve to stick by your plans and commitment.
Like many things in a marriage, budgeting plays an important role that will help you in more ways than you can imagine. It will help to build, and work on trust, open communication, partnership and joint responsibility.
And through this, above all, you’ll be financially secure!
Share your savings story with us
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Circle of Love
Here's a toast to friends..
Congratulations to Shrinath who is tying the knot with Sudha on August 27th.
And Ani ,whose found love and taking the plunge with Hiten on August 28th in Mumbai.
Am sure gonna miss your wedding gal!
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig
Congratulations to Shrinath who is tying the knot with Sudha on August 27th.
And Ani ,whose found love and taking the plunge with Hiten on August 28th in Mumbai.
Am sure gonna miss your wedding gal!
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig
The circle of love
The engagement. It is a significant and beautiful moment in a couple’s life as they prepare themselves for a bond that will last a lifetime. And at the center of this ceremony is the most important physical element --- the ring, the symbol of promised togetherness for a lifetime. It’s not just a ring. It’s a circle of love. And it means different things to different people.
A promise. It comes in various designs, shapes, sizes and colors, but at the heart of it all, it symbolizes a promise. A promise to stand by your loved one and knowing that your partner will be there for you in return. It gives you a sense of security, because deep down, you know there is a shoulder to lean on in difficult times and that you will play the role of a support, when your loved one needs you. It’s a powerful promise and one that is for keeps.
A circle of life. Like every circle, the ring tells the tale of happiness and sorrow. Like the many cycles in our lives, there will be happy times at the end of sad ones and sad times after happy ones. It is the circle of life, and we cannot escape it. But having that ring on your finger gives you the strength to face the gyrations of life because you know you are not alone; there is someone to celebrate the happy times and share the sad ones. And that alone gives you that little extra courage to face whatever life throws at you with a smile.
Feeling loved. You might be in the midst of the most ordinary chores, perhaps doing the dishes or straightening up your place or perhaps deep in work and suddenly you notice the ring on your finger and a slow smile lights up your face. You know somewhere out there, is a person who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you and the most beautiful part is that you reciprocate the feeling. You sigh and wonder how such a brief and seemingly insignificant moment of looking at your ring could brighten up your day in such a beautiful way! Such is the power of the ring.
And then you finally tie the knot, and the wedding band is placed on your finger. Important and significant as that might be, you continue to feel a strong sense of connectedness and belonging when you look at your engagement ring, because it was the first symbol of a sweet beginning…
So what is your engagement ring story? What does it mean to you?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Fitness in your relationship!
In a previous blog, ‘Build a marriage that helps you both grow’, I had mentioned that doing an activity together is a great way to bring both of you closer and create a beautiful bond that you will come to cherish. Well, one such activity is be fitness – it does not mean that you sign up for a gym right away, it could mean taking dance classes together, going on hiking and trekking trips regularly, getting on a bike, jogging in the neighborhood park or even buying a DIY fitness CD and sweating it out! You don’t need to spend the stipulated 1 hour, which for some might be too tiring, doctors and fitness experts recommend a good 30 minutes workout every day is good enough for health and happiness.
We all know how important fitness is in our lives, and yet we forget, are too lazy, find excuses or simply do not have the time to make it a daily part of our lives. Even if we do, it lasts for a couple of weeks and then fitness takes a backseat once again.
The benefits of exercise
Yes, yes, we all know that exercises are good for us. Even if you do, I would like to reiterate it here, even at the risk of sounding redundant, because I want to emphasize how IMPORTANT it really is. Physical activity also gives a workout to your brain, leaving you happier and more relaxed. Exercises manage your weight, improve your mood, keep diseases at bay, boost your energy levels in the long run, help you sleep better, and also bring a spark to your sex life! Fitness also gives you a toned and ‘fit’ look, boosting your self-esteem and making you more attractive towards your partner.
Make fitness a priority
And yet, we find it hard to get off our ass! We love to find excuses ranging from the weather, to ‘I don’t have the time’, ‘Gyms are too far’ and what nots. But seriously, if I were to ask you to look hard into your day, is it really that difficult to find a 30 minute slot in your day? Of course not! Whether you are a morning person or prefer to exercise in the evening, find a time slot that suits you both and make it a priority in your life. Even if it so happens, that you are a morning jogger and your partner likes to hit the gym in the evening, do it in your time, but encourage each other and support each other in your fitness routine.
Above all, make sure that that time slot is for your fitness routine only, and don’t allow snoozing, coffee with friends, shopping sprees, or any other excuses to creep into that time slot. Would you allow any the above excuses to eat into your office time or any other activity that your consider priority? No! Keep the same set of rules for your fitness too. Because it is priority! Well, it’s going to be from now!
Make it fun
Frankly, working out a regimented routine day in and day out might get boring and even cause muscle fatigue. So, pepper your weekly fitness regime with some fun activities on a regular basis. Throw in a cycling trip, a couple of lap races in the pool, a game of tennis or badminton to break the monotony that might creep in. Remember fitness is not a form of torture, it should be fun! It should be motivating! And it’s a great way of bringing your closer to your partner!
I'd like to hear what you have to say about the role of exercise and fitness in your relationship
We all know how important fitness is in our lives, and yet we forget, are too lazy, find excuses or simply do not have the time to make it a daily part of our lives. Even if we do, it lasts for a couple of weeks and then fitness takes a backseat once again.
The benefits of exercise
Yes, yes, we all know that exercises are good for us. Even if you do, I would like to reiterate it here, even at the risk of sounding redundant, because I want to emphasize how IMPORTANT it really is. Physical activity also gives a workout to your brain, leaving you happier and more relaxed. Exercises manage your weight, improve your mood, keep diseases at bay, boost your energy levels in the long run, help you sleep better, and also bring a spark to your sex life! Fitness also gives you a toned and ‘fit’ look, boosting your self-esteem and making you more attractive towards your partner.
Make fitness a priority
And yet, we find it hard to get off our ass! We love to find excuses ranging from the weather, to ‘I don’t have the time’, ‘Gyms are too far’ and what nots. But seriously, if I were to ask you to look hard into your day, is it really that difficult to find a 30 minute slot in your day? Of course not! Whether you are a morning person or prefer to exercise in the evening, find a time slot that suits you both and make it a priority in your life. Even if it so happens, that you are a morning jogger and your partner likes to hit the gym in the evening, do it in your time, but encourage each other and support each other in your fitness routine.
Above all, make sure that that time slot is for your fitness routine only, and don’t allow snoozing, coffee with friends, shopping sprees, or any other excuses to creep into that time slot. Would you allow any the above excuses to eat into your office time or any other activity that your consider priority? No! Keep the same set of rules for your fitness too. Because it is priority! Well, it’s going to be from now!
Make it fun
Frankly, working out a regimented routine day in and day out might get boring and even cause muscle fatigue. So, pepper your weekly fitness regime with some fun activities on a regular basis. Throw in a cycling trip, a couple of lap races in the pool, a game of tennis or badminton to break the monotony that might creep in. Remember fitness is not a form of torture, it should be fun! It should be motivating! And it’s a great way of bringing your closer to your partner!
I'd like to hear what you have to say about the role of exercise and fitness in your relationship
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