In my years as a match-maker of sorts I have come across many people who expect a lot from marriage and a pretty disappointed a few years down the line or even lesser. People who enter thinking of roses and chocolates are disillusioned when they find out that marriage is also about thorns and bitter pills.
Through my experience of getting and keeping two souls together I have learned a couple of things and would like to share them with you.
People change; People don’t change
This is conflicting, I know. But some of my friends feel that their spouse has suddenly changed after marriage and some mourn that even after years of marriage their spouse has not changed a bit! “Before we got married he used to be very sensitive. Now he doesn’t care!” complained Richa. Or my good friend Abhishek who hoped his wife’s excessive partying would eventually stop, and was disappointed that even after the baby arrived she continued her late night parties!
Well, it’s not fair on our part to expect someone to change according to what we think we would like him or her to be or rue the fact that a person has changed. It’s better to accept the change or the lack of it and more importantly communicate and see how you can work as a team.
When kids come, they change everything
You keep hearing this and like many things you don’t realize how true this statement is until you’ve actually experienced it for yourself. Especially now with nuclear families, juggling kids, maids, day-cares, chores and a job has put more stress on the relationship. “We didn’t even have time to talk to each other, because our toddler son would keep interrupting our conversation!”
I remember a friend saying. And this is after the more grueling phase of taking care of a newborn!
Neglecting your relationship at this time can boomerang later on. While the new mother needs her own space, the new dad has to cope with feelings of being left out. Either way, it’s important that you consciously make time for each other. Remember, once the child grows up and is off to carve his own future, you’re back to each other.
Sex vs. cuddling
It’s no secret that men want sex and women cherish cuddling and intimacy. Men need it physical and women need it in its entirety. “I remember he used to be quite sensitive to my moods in the beginning, later it was just about himself,” confesses Arti. “Why can’t she talk dirty?” Blurted a male friend of mine once.
The most important thing is to be open about it --- it’s your spouse after all, not a stranger --- and work towards what makes you both comfortable and happy. It’s not going to happen overnight or over the course of even several months, but most importantly keep your communication channels open.
Be open about finances
“I never really knew how much my husband had stashed in his account, until I accidentally saw his bank statement. And he used to keep telling me that there wasn’t enough money for this or for that,” said Jyoti, who I knew was a spendthrift, so I was secretly happy that Prakash her husband was secretive about the finances. But that apart, I think it’s important for the partners to maintain honesty and transparency in finances so you avoid snooping spouses or resentments and lies.
Marriage is hard work
You might have heard this often, but it won’t actually hit you until you face hurdles, which can come in many forms. And believe me, it is hard work. Sometimes it means swallowing your pride, sometimes accepting a fault, even when it is not yours, sometimes learning to change your outlook and sometimes adopting an entire set of new friends! Whatever it is, be prepared for some hard work, after all nothing in life comes easy, but remember that sweetest fruits are that of labor.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
To Marry or Not to Marry?
To Marry or Not to Marry?
I thought I got a happy news when my 30 something friend Shalini told me that she had finally decided to marry. “It’s going to happen at the end of the year.” She told me excitedly. A Hindu, she was excited about the fact that she would have both Hindu and Christian; her boyfriend being Christian. It’s been two years since; and when I last spoke to her she told me, “Definitely this year.” I sat her down and asked her what was holding her back. “It’s the commitment issue, yaar. It’s not that I have doubts about him. I have my doubts about marriage itself. It’s quite scary actually.”
Youngsters are increasingly postponing marriage, which is often dumped as a constriction and are enjoying their new-found singlehood – working hard, partying harder --- and financial independence and are busy chasing their dreams. In many instances parents have either given up putting pressure on their children to hitch up or want their children to make their own choices, be it for their careers or marriage.
Earlier people obeyed parental wishes to get married and entered into wedlock out of societal pressures, and when encountered with troubled times, they just roughed it out. But with a generation that wants instant gratification and instant cures to relationship problems, which typically take years and years of empathetic understanding, it comes as no surprise that marriage is increasingly being pushed. And with society accepting and even hailing singletons, the pressures of marriage either from parents or society is waning.
For someone like Shalini, I could quite understand how the prospect of getting married and “settling down”, adjusting to relatives and making the hazaar compromises that come with marriage could be quite unnerving. She’s the classic ‘new generation’ type – independent, living with friends, working, earning and partying. It’s not easy for people of this generation, who are pretty much independent in most ways to be summoned to get coffee for the other half first thing in the morning or make sure his / her clothes are pressed, as the other half likes it, for instance. At first these small chores, done out of “love”, are a joy; a few weeks down the line, they become a burden and after a few months later you are ready to scream “Go figure!” Sustaining the relationship in good times and bad, discovering each other over the years and supporting each other over these years, through all personality and character flaws does not come easy. I guess that’s where her hesitation comes from, that’s what she subconsciously classifies as ‘commitment issues’.
I hope Shalini finally gets married this year. At least one half of the problem is resolved – she’s certain of her man, it’s the second half – or getting over her fear of marriage and commitment she has to work on. Shalini, if you are reading this, I would like to tell you that commitment is not about fear or all the negativity, it’s about change and change is not necessarily painful, it can be joyous and rewarding.
I thought I got a happy news when my 30 something friend Shalini told me that she had finally decided to marry. “It’s going to happen at the end of the year.” She told me excitedly. A Hindu, she was excited about the fact that she would have both Hindu and Christian; her boyfriend being Christian. It’s been two years since; and when I last spoke to her she told me, “Definitely this year.” I sat her down and asked her what was holding her back. “It’s the commitment issue, yaar. It’s not that I have doubts about him. I have my doubts about marriage itself. It’s quite scary actually.”
Youngsters are increasingly postponing marriage, which is often dumped as a constriction and are enjoying their new-found singlehood – working hard, partying harder --- and financial independence and are busy chasing their dreams. In many instances parents have either given up putting pressure on their children to hitch up or want their children to make their own choices, be it for their careers or marriage.
Earlier people obeyed parental wishes to get married and entered into wedlock out of societal pressures, and when encountered with troubled times, they just roughed it out. But with a generation that wants instant gratification and instant cures to relationship problems, which typically take years and years of empathetic understanding, it comes as no surprise that marriage is increasingly being pushed. And with society accepting and even hailing singletons, the pressures of marriage either from parents or society is waning.
For someone like Shalini, I could quite understand how the prospect of getting married and “settling down”, adjusting to relatives and making the hazaar compromises that come with marriage could be quite unnerving. She’s the classic ‘new generation’ type – independent, living with friends, working, earning and partying. It’s not easy for people of this generation, who are pretty much independent in most ways to be summoned to get coffee for the other half first thing in the morning or make sure his / her clothes are pressed, as the other half likes it, for instance. At first these small chores, done out of “love”, are a joy; a few weeks down the line, they become a burden and after a few months later you are ready to scream “Go figure!” Sustaining the relationship in good times and bad, discovering each other over the years and supporting each other over these years, through all personality and character flaws does not come easy. I guess that’s where her hesitation comes from, that’s what she subconsciously classifies as ‘commitment issues’.
I hope Shalini finally gets married this year. At least one half of the problem is resolved – she’s certain of her man, it’s the second half – or getting over her fear of marriage and commitment she has to work on. Shalini, if you are reading this, I would like to tell you that commitment is not about fear or all the negativity, it’s about change and change is not necessarily painful, it can be joyous and rewarding.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
New year!
The year draws to a close and here are few things that one can do to begin the new year ! Live a full life, be able to take those risks and Marrygold wishes you Love, Luck, Laughter
Post By Annabel Candy
Moving to Central America wasn’t a decision that came easily to us. Before finally deciding to go for it, my husband, Rich, and I had endless circular debates, many sleepless nights and lots of heart ache.
Post By Annabel Candy
Moving to Central America wasn’t a decision that came easily to us. Before finally deciding to go for it, my husband, Rich, and I had endless circular debates, many sleepless nights and lots of heart ache.
But eventually we took the plunge. We sold our home, along with most of our other belongings, uprooted our kids from the beautiful island in New Zealand where they’d been born and raised, and moved to Panama.
Why Panama?
For many years we’d planned to move overseas to Australia and visited several times to check it out. We were looking for warmer weather and, although what we saw of Australia looked great, it didn’t set our world on fire.
Meanwhile, my husband, Rich, was spending a lot of time on the Internet researching other possible places we could move to. We were attracted to Central America for four main reasons:
- Strategic – We could get residency in countries like Panama, Costa Rica or Nicaragua.
- Setting – It’s tropical and safe with great beaches and amazing wildlife.
- Language and Culture – The main language is spanish and although we didn’t speak it we were keen to learn and wanted our kids to be bilingual and experience a totally new culture.
- Adventure – We’d never been there before but love to travel.
When it came down to it, the idea of moving to Central America and having a real adventure captured our imagination in a way that the safe move to Australia couldn’t.
But still the dilemma raged on for months
Our heads were saying move to Australia. It was the safe, sensible option. It was near New Zealand with the same language and a similar time zone so we could even maintain our web design and copywriting business and have a continuous income.
But our hearts were keen for adventure, even though we knew it would be tough to settle down and earn money in a developing country where we didn’t yet have residency or speak the language.
So how did we make the decision?
Why did we choose to go down the unknown path and take a risk? Were we brave, mad or both?
As Sir Edmund Hilary said about climbing Everest, we did it because we could. We knew that the freedom and opportunity we had then might not come our way again for a while. Our kids were still young (1, 5 and 8 years old) so we weren’t too worried about them missing school and we wanted to travel with them and expose them to new languages and cultures while we could.
We knew that if we don’t do it right then, we knew we might never visit Central America.
Best of all, we knew that if it all went wrong we could still move to Australia at a later date because Australia wasn’t going anywhere.
Of course, in the end that’s what happened. We spent 18 months in Central America and ended up living in Costa Rica, not Panama, for over a year before moving to Australia.
But we’re so glad we went there in the first place. Maybe our business and retirement fund suffered, but the experiences we had were priceless and we’d do it all over again in an instant.
Making hard decisions easy
Have you ever spent time reading and thinking about doing something without ever actually taking the plunge and doing it?
People often tell me they want to do something but they can’t because of this, that or the other reason. Usually they’re quite sensible reasons too, but do you want to lead a sensible life? Or maybe you’d prefer one filled with adventure?
If you want to avoid leading an average life you’re going to have to make some hard, uncomfortable decisions and be prepared to take a few risks.
Sometimes it does take a long time to make a decision but then a tipping point comes and suddenly you know what you need to do and you find a way to do it.
For me, life is all about having new and exciting experiences, challenging the status quo and challenging myself.
You can learn about something second hand and study it until you’re blue in the face, but you won’t really understand it or appreciate it until you try it.
Reading about Costa Rica, India or Africa isn’t the same as actually visiting those places with all their inherent sights and sounds. Watching documentaries or slide-shows don’t cut it either. In the end you have to do stuff.
You have to live life and not hide away from it because you’re too worried about what might happen if it doesn’t go to plan.
It’s the same scenario with getting healthy. It’s no use buying fancy exercise gear, new trainers and filling the fridge with seasonal fruit and vegetables. You have to get up early, get the clothes on and go for a walk then come home and make a fruit salad. Repeat for 28 days and you should start to feel a difference.
You can’t just think about doing things, you have to actually do them.
5 Secrets for Avoiding an Average Life
- Be prepared to make some decisions that scare you.
- Embrace the fear of the unknown and think of it as an adventure.
- Think about the worst thing that could happen and have a ‘plan b’ to fall back on.
- Be pragmatic and grab opportunities while you can in case they don’t come your way again.
- Be brave… and maybe even a little bit mad.
We may be average people with average families living in average houses on an average income. But that doesn’t mean we have to lead an average life.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Dial M for MARRYGOLD
Marriage a phone call away
The M word is far more dreaded than the D-word, but let’s face it, there is no escaping from both. And though divorces have become a routine affair as casual as getting married itself, most singletons still yearn for the security of being married. ...
The M word is far more dreaded than the D-word, but let’s face it, there is no escaping from both. And though divorces have become a routine affair as casual as getting married itself, most singletons still yearn for the security of being married. ...
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
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